Monday Night

How is everyone else not going crazy not knowing what is around the corner, not having the slightest idea what awaits us, who awaits us? How are we all so calmly going about our meaningless repetition? How have I not pulled all of my hair out yet? What keeps everyone so sane, while I sit here feeling so pointless… So stupid. A puppet unable to do what I really want and even if I could, I would just want more. The fact that I have no one to talk to makes me feel even more crazy. I’m not close enough to anyone just to be like, “hey, have you ever felt like this isn’t even real, that nothing we do even matters?” Then they would say, “Doesn’t that make you just want to live it up to the fullest? Come on, lets go do friend stuff.”

There is too much crap that I become so overwhelmed. The poetry, philosophy, science. God, why bother when I’ll be searching my whole life through the endless fields of information? Ridiculous.

My life feels frozen. I’ll be stuck here forever, it already feels like I’ve been here before, but not as far, not as deep. Like a cave. An endless, dark cave with savage monsters and gaping holes in the walls.

I don’t even know what’s normal! What do kids my age do? Party? Go to the city? Just hang out? I don’t even want to. All I want to do is sit in my room alone and rot. You’re born alone, you die alone. Why complicate the process with shit in between? What’s the point…

Sometimes I look around and everything loses all meaning. Everything falls, disappears and becomes a blur. For a split second I’m seeing the world through the eyes of someone looking down at us from somewhere else in the universe. Foreign.

Then I look at the people around and try to see a sliver in their eyes– just a sliver— of what I feel. That maybe I’m not alone and someone else has seen what I see, if only just for a fleeting second.

I wonder how much longer I’m going to last. I wonder if I’ve already died and sinned in my past life and this is Hell. I’ll keep dying and being reborn again and again into the same shit hole no matter how far into the future, no matter how much more technologically advanced we become, we are still human and will forever notoriously make mistakes and keep messing up until someone has the pity to just end it. Until God gets fed up and disappointed with his own children so deeply that he has to shoot us in the head. Sick bastard.

Why is no one else going crazy wondering what’s going to happen after we die? It’s the next best seller! Front page news! Movie of the year! Where do you go when you die? What do you become? Stay tuned to find out! I wonder how many people killed themselves simply because they couldn’t take the suspense any longer. Just because the question tortured them so painfully that they couldn’t live without the answer any longer.

It’s such a tiny threshold, between life and death. In a split second I could be dead. We all could be dead. Then what? It’s just out of reach, so close we can almost touch it. Everything we do, every single thing we see is to distract us from death. Art, love, sex, drugs, money, laws containing us so we don’t go crazy anticipating death. We have to keep ourselves busy or else what would be the point to just be born to wait to die.

I need something to distract me. That’s my problem. That’s why I can’t dig my roots in anywhere, why I can’t decide what I want to do for a living. Because if the idea of the distraction doesn’t even distract me, whats the point in surrounding myself with it everyday?

God help us.