Hello,
I’m glad I found this website, if only to vent and see that are other folks in same boat (not that I’m happy about that).
My Story
I’m a 48 year-old male. Been diabetic for about 20 years. I been somewhat suicidal starting in my teens. I grew up in a fucked-up white trash family. Mom is a religious freak with little or no employable skills. My father has all sorts of mental issues and was quite abusive growing up. I decided to move out of state when I was 21 but at the time I getting along OK with my parents. I wasn’t kicked out or anything.
It’s been tough dealing on my own but managed to get a pretty good job and doing OK financially. Always been a bit of a loner so that aspect doesn’t bother me much. Not much interested in a regular “relationship” as diabetes pretty much killed off my libido. Other than that I’m fairly healthy aside from this other issue.
I started to develop eye issues relating to diabetes about eight years ago. Last Sunday I work up early and my right eye was killing me, and I had a bad migraine. I totally lost vision in my right eye in about a half an hour.
Went to the eye doc the following day and they gave me a couple of eye injections of anti-biotic (that was fun). They issue is I have no response in that eye to even light, so that indicates an severe issue with the optic nerve. The doc said the vision might not come back but might after a few weeks or months. I think they might want me have some hope, but reading about it I think the eyes is toasted. I’m old enough to know that miracles do not happen. Even if the left eye never craps out I’m doubt I want to live with only one functioning eye anyways.
Fortunately my left eye is not perfect but good enough to function – drive, work, etc. My fear is that I lose vision in my left eye, and at that time won’t have the means to carry out a suicide, and the remainder of my life will sheer hell from blindness.
My sister is beneficiary of my (substantial) 401K plan, so when it is determined that I’m dead or declared dead at least I be worth something to someone, at least monetarily.
Thanks for your time and good luck.
3 comments
God this is just insanity isn’t it? Seriously, I am finding it similarily difficult to come up with a peaceful way of ending this life quickly and painlessly. Don’t own a gun, don’t have access to prescription meds and don’t have the guts to jump or hang myself. Nothing to do with my will to live. My subconcious would just kick in before I could get the deed done. So sorry to hear you also have reached this point. I too am about your age and think it is extremely sad that I endured so much pain and suffering only to find myself at this point in my life. No will to go on. Is it loss of your sight that scares you? Did you have those feelings prior to that problem? If that were to go well for you, do you think you could overcome those feelings?
It breaks my heart to read this. Because my dad was almost in the exact same situation as you. But he wasn’t suicidal. He died from a heart attack because of too much drinking and then forgot to take his medicine.
Why do you want to die? I actually don’t understand that. Please, tell me why.
Hello,
Thanks for the input. Some good questions.
Right now suicide is not really a matter of depression, but simply the most logical choice on a series of bad options. As far as me being suicidal before this serious eye issue is yes, at least on the margins.
As I said I’m used to being a loner but I am getting a little tired of lonliness. I think humans (and other higher species) are social animals.
A few days before my eye went south I had what I thought might have been a panic attack (a first). I was watching a movie one evening that a bit weird and I guess didn’t really settle well with me. All of sudden I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I felt very alone and helpless. The next day I was fine but it was an awful feeling. At least living alone makes it a bit easier to commit suicide (not being closely attached to anyone).
Now, some people in this world certainly have it bette than others. But I think in the end everyone suffers. Life is too long anyways. In the good ole days people rarely lived beyond 40. I would have dead from diabetes long ago.
People toil throught their bland job for 40 hours (if they are lucking enough to have a job). Many get blasted at the local bar on Friday. This is more to ease the pain rather than a celebration.
If by some “miracle” my eyesight come back within two weeks, or at least some improvement, chances are I won’t take my life at least not at this time. If I do take my life I imagine some people will think I’ve taken the coward’s way out. That’s OK. I can deal with that. I’ll be at peace and that is all that matters.