Not there yet

I agree that pulling the trigger would be really difficult. It’s easy enough to imagine yourself doing it, but actually doing it, in the moment, knowing that’s it? Different story.

However, something I’ve said many times is that if I had a gun I’d have been dead long ago. My suicide plan is more drawn-out than just shooting myself, and somewhat convoluted (I want to be really, really sure that it will work and that I won’t survive). The consequence of this is that it leaves me much more time to second guess myself, to question whether I’m REALLY ready to die, to think about my family and all the other reasons why part of me is still ambivalent about killing myself, to convince myself to put it off a little longer…

So that really makes it my fault that I’m suffering, because I don’t have to be alive right now. I should be dead, the only reason I’m not is that I haven’t had it in me to go through with it. Which kind of makes everything worse – I feel like shit and it’s because of me!