Today my parents are away, so I think I can hang around here not being afraid they’d be peeking into my laptop. And I can ask this silly questing, how do I do it? How do I get diabetes?
And don’t ask what is up with me, ’cause nothing is up. I just still can’t figure out the trick. So many people get it just out of the blue, without ever trying to. I know it has a lot to do with heredity, but not always the case. If it doesn’t run in my family, so I can never get it? I don’t believe it. There must be a way. If anybody knows, please give me a hint. Like how many candy should I eat. I already tried a lot of ways, none of which worked. I am so disappointed, this could make the process of killing myself a hell easier.
I cannot get the gun. Or at least, in my near future. All because of how I look. I went to a gun store just to inquire, not even buy. They looked at me so attentively and ask, “What do you need it for?” I hesitated to answer, just smiled. They smiled back and said, “Girl, why don’t you go look for a safer toy now? These here ain’t lollipops to just gaze at.” I burst out of the door, barely holding back tears. How come, people? I’m a twenty-year-old! Twen-ty! Rub your fucking eyes! Of course I’ll try other stores, but there’re just too many obstacles. Too many.
I’ve also been thinking about drowning myself, in the bathtub, when I’m alone. Convenient, I can make as many attempts as needed, and nobody will ever know I even tried, until I succeed. But it’s not an easy way for me, because I have a fear of water, I haven’t ever been able to bring myself to dive in a pool, but I’ll keep trying, little by little. Anyway, I’m going to get expelled again, so I better hurry if I don’t want history to repeat itself.