Just now. It was over something really stupid, a game with my younger sisters. I was pretending to be asleep, they were trying to wake me up. Dad asked if we wanted to go to the pool. I didn’t, so I kept pretending. They mocked me, called me rude, and said they knew I would move from that position as soon as they left. Harmless kid stuff, really. But as soon as they left, I just started crying. I knew I was going to lose and I just didn’t want to lose. I looked for ways to ‘get revenge’ I found none. I took a […]
The worst fear in my life is not that i will lead a lonely life but that the loneliness will drive me insane.
Even when I am in the midst of a huge crowd, a familiar crowd of friends and relatives, that feeling of loneliness creeps in and sometimes pushes me into that unholy pool of madness… where the first impulse is to hide from everyone, the second is a strong desire to run away from everythingÂ and everyone,and then i get caught up in a feeling of despair… at how helpless and useless i am and then the doubts about why i am here to […]
The lawn may be green
But you better not be seen
Walkin’ through the gate that leads you down
Down to a pool fraught with danger
It’s a pool full of strangers
what have you taken away?
a fog of pain as memories darken.
once we experienced heaven,
childlike and open,
but your love perished.
a horrific pool of hatred –
thoughts follow night, follow darkness,
love bled dry.
in a storm of tears,
i still love you.
Today I was happy.
I went to the pool today with my assistant manager/close friend (I helped her recover after a very brutal divorce with her crack-addict lousy excuse for a husband.) Now normally when I have any cuts or scars on my legs, I tend to hide them. But today I said, “Fuck it! I’ll show them off and let them get some sun. Maybe they’ll fade out a little like the older ones.” I had an incident a few days ago that I’m none too proud of, but I decided to go nonetheless. When we got to the pool and the sun was […]
I used to be so happy especially at school I don’t really get bullied and this year im in year 6 and I really found my true friends I was happiest at school and going to school. I’ve liked loads of guys nothing big just like fake crushes but then I really like this guy called Christian and then there was this little rumour that he like this girl in his class coz he is a year younger but the classes are really close and from what he’s said he doesn’t. but still doesn’t stop my heart from hurting and at home for the last […]
I’m in college and I’m an engineering major. Â I have found engineering to be quite a difficult major and have almost failed a few classes. Â That being said, I have been accepted into a program that is for the elite of my school. Â I don’t belong there anymore and I want so much to remove myself from the program. Â In fact, I was going to gracefully do so in February, but someone found out before me and told all of my friends.
Sometimes, I wish I could just quit engineering, but I’m in love with it so much. Â I love physics and math even if I […]
Today my parents are away, so I think I can hang around here not being afraid they’d be peeking into my laptop. And I can ask this silly questing, how do I do it? How do I get diabetes?
And don’t ask what is up with me, ’cause nothing is up. I just still can’t figure out the trick. So many people get it just out of the blue, without ever trying to. I know it has a lot to do with heredity, but not always the case. If it doesn’t run in my family, so I can never get it? I don’t believe it. There […]
I’m surprised that people responded to my post about wanting to die probably because I’m used to being ignored when I need help the most. That’s right – ignored. It’s called growing up with a depressed, emotionally distant mother who was too preoccupied with her own problems to give her baby girl the nurturing and love she needed. Sneer if you want. Whatever. I don’t give a fuck. I’ve spent years in therapy, group therapy, on medications, making crazy, fucked up choices that intellectually I could not defend or understand yet I acted on anyway. I finally, finally put it all together: not enough of […]
so avrey thingÂ i had wasunt good enuf for you
all the love i gave was wothe as much as shit to you
all the times i cryd for you all the times i cut
was wothe as much as shit to you
as all the blood i spat on the floor pulld out my broken teeth
at the botom of a pit of glutones meneingless sex
you keept me in your keep
my “frends” think its fun to get a shag evrey day
but if that knew the consequences thade say fuck this no way
cos i gave you all the love in the world and you tost it away
all the things i […]
An apex of happiness exists, but that point is far beyond my grasp. Every little hunk of happiness I have ever experienced has either been broken down or snatched away from me. I can’t keep it together, its just not within my ability. This world you have constructed wasn’t meant for people like me. I fall into a niche and all that happens to us is misery. We are the people who’s company you enjoy, but also the people you take advantage of, and the very same people you scoff at simultaneously. My relationships fall apart and I finally understand why: I don’t deserve any […]
The SP House
Chapter 1: Paradise Lost
Looking out into the horizon, the sun slowly disappeared, it’s warm embrace being replaced by the cool, quiet moon. The sky, once blue and vast, changed to orange, red and purple and then to black, then allowing the stars to shine through. Looking down, she saw the foggy depths of the abyss, but the familiar sound of waves crashing could be heard. Down there, one could fall and die after splattering among jagged rocks, or even survive and end up in the water, just to wash up on shore and try to get back home tired and groggy. And disappointed…
its been a while since ive been online. not a lot has happened. but im getting worst. me and my bf broke up, and there is this girl i just wanna kill. me and my best friend are fighting and ive got no sleep in about a week. im going crazy. i run away a lot during the day and sometimes at night. i think about death more and more. i just wanna die. before they were just thoughts but now it is serious. self harm- if i cut my wrist and hope to hit a vein, it will take hours of painful death until […]
so i love swimming, i realized why i love it so much. the water. the pool in my neighborhood is HUGE and the area around it is big to i love to run from the gate and a huge leap in the air and be swallowed by the water while im under water thoughts rush through my mind and i can think. its so peaceful and i feel safe. i love swimming but only under water, the feeling of be short of air,the calmness of not hearing anyone call my name to do stuff for them. its amazing. nothing else like it. i love the […]
Please, if I may reach out to anyone that can help me. I have been cutting on my thighs, and scars remain there. My family has decided that we should go to the beach for the last bit of summer. I have a pool, but all I do to hide my scars is wear shorts. They think I’m weird for doing this, but do not question it.
I’m not sure if I can get away with shorts on the beach. I am not old enough to refuse the beach, nor go to a store to buy scar creme. If you are experienced with these matters, please […]
Last night I went to one of my best friendâ€™s house. She
asked if I wanted to go get ice cream and when I said yes her face lit up. She
kept asking if I was sure, as we drove to the ice cream place, as we stood in
line, as we ordered. I spent the night and this morning we went into her
kitchen and devoured all the food we could find, like normal teenagers. Â After everything we ate she would offer
something else, I would say yes, and she would just smile cheek to cheek. Afterwards
we went to a pool and while […]
So, I get annoyed when people complain about how much their life sucks, but hey this what this website is for right?
Okay so i’ve been struggling with depression for a long time , around 5 years or so. I’m 19 now but even when I was 13 and 15 i would get in these slumps, especially when I was 15 since my entire school hated me and I just kept fucking up with my family and things.
I always felt like i was missing something.. Me and my family didn’t always get along but we do now. No one I know has ever known […]
Get up and do something:Â take a walk, ride a bike, do yoga, join a karate class, box, join a gym, join a pool, jump rope, lift weights, ride a skateboard, play with some kids, play baseball, volleyball, tennis, basketball, football, hockey, go skating.Â Just get up, get out, and get moving!
Hi everyone.. I’m new here and i really need to get some stuff off of my chest. Apparently, i’ve been dealing with nothing but family problems. Mostly it’s between me and my mom and I’m tired of it. All the time she yells at me. Mainly, she just verbally abuses me; always she’ll throw my stuff on my bedroom floor and tells me to pick up. Like really? She’s the one who dropped it so why should i? And when i don’t do something right she’ll yell and call me stupid names: idiot, *****, ************, useless child, and so on. My dad thinks that it’s […]
This quote is in several articles online about happiness.
“First,Â your brain adjusts feelings of happiness downwardÂ after youâ€™ve reached some goal or other. It regulates the good feelings, presumably so that you have motivation to reach the next goal instead of just lounging by the pool for the rest of your days. “
Which can sort of be related to the Matrix quote
Agent Smith: “Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming […]