Paradox of Friendship

Hi, SP, this is my first post here.

I wish to share my story. I know that many more people have it worse than me. I know that for most, my reasons seem to be selfish. I know that for most my reasons are not significant enough to give up upon. But, the paradox I can’t escape has led me to try to escape, to pray to never wake, and even to attempt to remove myself from this plane many a times. Here is my story.

If one were to look at me about 3 years ago I would be the genius, the prodigy of an affluent family, topping classes, , being overall the one the others would look up to.

Now, I’m an overweight, lazy, anime-addicted, game-addicted idiot who tried suicide 48 hours ago.Fortunately, or unfortunately, after passing out, I woke up next to the remains of my lunch with pills mixed into them.

I have, since my elementary school days, been a class topper. The envy of many students on the surface but, a self hating idiot on the inside. Now that I look back, to make friends even at elementary school level, I had to help the others with their work or let them cheat during tests or lend them money. Due to the school being a private institution I was fortunately not bullied. However, whenhen I hear my so called friends talking behind my back about how easy it was to use me, how idiotic I was among many other ‘colorful’ words, I felt that I was stabbed in the back, that no one wanted or needed me.

I couldnt even tell my parents as I believed they would turn their back on me too.

My first attempt at suicide was when I was 7 years old. However, it seems that slitting one’s wrist with a Swiss knife is very painful for such a youngster, painful enough to completely miss the correct place.

After I was discovered, bleeding, I simply lied that I had been curious, doing some crying to purposefully increase the doubt about an attempted suicide. After all, could such a small, immature child try such a deed?

If you were to ask anyone in my entourage to describe my behaviour when I was a kid, it would be playful with occasionally mature moments. The playful part was a lie, a way to fit with my age group.

Unfortunately, when I entered High school (middle high to be specific) I had already been raised to the pedestal of genius. That meant again a lack of friends. Several incidents which were thwarted by guilt also occurred up to three years ago.

That was when I started to degenerate. I purposefully lowered myself to research and play games that my age group was playing in order to fit in. That negatively impacted my grades, but I was able to ride on the coattails of being a genius to continue on. I made a lot of friends, of both genders.

It was then that I met HER.

She was neither particularly dumb or bright, hell she was average in every subject. The first time we talked to each other, we threatened to kick each other’s ass.  Well, the reason is a story for another time, but what matter is that over 6 months we became very good friends. No amount of physical or mental pleasure could defy what I felt when I talked to her.

She was the only one I told the truth to(missing intentionally the suicide attempts) and she accepted me. She had been in a abusive relationship with her cheating ex for 2 years but had just recently broken up with him. As the final exams(we base our graduation on 1 exam in our country) approached, she asked me for help in mathematics. That was the first time in 3 years that I actually studied. By the times the exams had come, she was excelling in it. But, apart for helping her, I never studied, being more interested in the games or anime which helped me maintain friendships with other friends.

Results of my A-levels Mathematics, A+. Everything else, fail. (the resulting ‘attempt’ was broken up by a cousin who has been sworn to secrecy via the use of blackmail, threats and money)

Now she is studying abroad, has resumed her relationship with her boyfriend and is on the way to become an engineer. My ‘friends’ too have graduated successfully. My parents are angry with me for having brought disrepute to the family, and I’m alone again

For about 8 months until 2 days ago, I invented excuse over excuse for myself and my parents over why I ha failed. But the I had to accept the truth, I had sacrificed my studies for friends.

So, as I look at a knife on my bedside, the gleaming metal sending shivers up my back, I cant but wonder: Why do both choices result in depression? Why does this Paradox of friendship occur?