Slowly killing myself

I am the most toxic person I know.. All I do is get high… All I am to anyone is a ticket to get high.. whether i might give it to you, sell it to you, or just hang out and get high, it is why you called.. No one calls me just to say hi… I want out of the life, I want out of life period… I think about killing myself almost constantly… I couldnt even guess a number of how many times every day I think about it.. practically non-stop… All of my relationships are based on dope.. All of my friendships are based on dope… I want to stop, but I cant imagine myself not being high.. All i want is to be normal.. A stable place, someone who cares if i am alive tomorrow, a job, a car, a dog… normal things… It’s not such a huge goal, not impossible, except for somebody who cares… I have fucked up my own life doing bad things, slingin’ dope, hurting people.. It is basically what defines me, how could ya find somebody who cares, even the pretenders, hell even if someone sincerely gave a fuck about anything other than a free ride on my self destruction train wreck after a month or so of getting to know me, they are afraid of what I am too… My head is killing me.. I been up all night again… Oh yeah, there is no higher power, I dont blame my shit on anything but me.. I am where I am as a result of every fucked up decision I have ever made, every step i took led me where i am.. I did this, it was easy.. I wish I could fix it… I wish i would just end it… its easy… just another dead junkie… My head is pounding… i gotta go…