Subway

That’s where it started. In subway(the sandwich place), or maybe on the car ride over. But I started to feel this pulling sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and I began to shake…my face burned and guts screamed, I felt like I was being sucked into myself with weight, collapsing. I was with someone. Idk if he noticed or not. I had to escape and breathe or think but everything was heavy. I took two bites total. It was too heavy.
He told me about a tragedy where he was working on Friday. One of the ugly accidents of death, the ones that aren’t planned and frighten everyone. He looked haunted and about to take off like a rabbit. Every word he said tied a knot in my guts, adding little bauble weights to my fear and guilt and hurt. I hurt because he experienced it. That he had to see it inside himself forever. I’m sorry.
I was up and down inside. We were near, but there was a terror and it was bigger for him than he let on. And because I’m the one who thinks of the ugly ways to die, I wanted to absorb it into myself, like it was my fault. I felt guilty.
And tonight when I came home, I wound down and the sick greasy feeling or hurt and failure and disgust crept back in. I failed at helping his pain, comforting him. He’s the most important person to me and I messed up again. But I had felt frozen and stiff. Like a memory of my own being told to me like I had amnesia. Deja vu-like and ugly.
The whole time I was a layer cake of jealousy and hate, and then disgust and hurt and pain and guilt and self loathing. I was shaking.
When I’m with him, even in pain I am lighter. It’s weird. And the moment he left the car, the clock stopped again.
I’m sorry god.
I’m sorry love.
Right now it’s the war inside killing me. Wants me to cut. Bleed just a little. Why?
Why wasnt I good enough?
I’m sorry. I did it again.