Why is it now that I am faced with my past and what I have done? Why couldn’t it have happened earlier or later? I was already in a state of some sort of depression, and now this? I don’t understand, and I am now carrying the famous ‘ball and chain’ my father has spoken of many times in the past. I have set my goals and made plans, but I thought that’s all there was to it, besides the occasional struggle (people judging you, speaking against you, blah blah blah). I thought that people around me would be my struggle on the path to completing my goals, along with me doubting myself every once in a while. But I didn’t think this would happen in this way, that I would become the main source of my struggle. My mistakes, my ‘adventures’, my whole past is on my shoulders and is being carried around on my forehead now.
People at school see me as a ‘badass’, ‘stoner’, ‘rebel’, ‘that girl who isn’t a virgin and has had crazy sex’…I’m sick of it. I can’t believe I even went as far as actually telling them about some of my usage and sexual activities. I was so fucking blind to the fact that it would all come back to me, kick me in my ass, and show me that I told them those things because I thought it was ‘cool’. How ridiculous…
I’m making myself sick with what I’ve done. I don’t even want to tell you guys about some of it, especially just one major thing. I’ve mentioned how I’ve smoked shit tons of weed, smoked meth once, tried cocaine, and abused pills. I am not a virgin, because I’ve had two sexual partners. Is this fucked up? I’m 15 years of age and I’ve done not only these things, but have had sexual interactions and a relationship with a 36 year old man. So yea, I feel like shit right now. How is anyone not supposed to look at me like I’m a whore? I should have stayed locked up in Brynn Marr and never have been released. I wasn’t honest with the doctor there anyways. I never told her that I felt like he was watching me all the time and that I thought I was going absolutely insane.
I don’t want attention or sympathy. I don’t care about those things anymore. It’s my past and I’m the only one who truly knows how it feels to have done these things, slept with these people, hurt myself and everyone around me, felt invisible in my own home to my own family, hated my father and cut myself in his name, beat my mother, wanted to die and begged God for it, pleaded with my 36 year old ex to stay with me because I felt so alone and thought of him as my god (even though I know now he’s into child pornography and he’s a woman beater, shown from past arrests and outstanding warrants), cussed God, set fire to three bibles, and denied the Holy Spirit to my mother’s face, and for the one I thought I wouldn’t be able to speak about: had a threesome with my cousin and her 31 year old boyfriend. I wish I could remove my skin and replace it with flawless, new, and pure skin. Hands that have touched this skin have stained it and I’m sick. God please forgive me of my sins.
None of them know me, they don’t care. They can judge me, but their judgment doesn’t hold a light to God’s. I hope I suffer for my mistakes, because IÂ am disgusted by them and wish I could punish myself somehow. I am dirty, I am a human, and I feel like I am disappearing in plain sight. I need to go somewhere besides here in my mind, in these worn out and falling apart shoes. My past is dragging on me, and they wont let me forget it when I try to become better. They will bring up something I’ve said before, put words in my mouth, and make it look as if I’m contradicting everything and as if the book I believe in completely is full of contradictions, lies, and utter insanity. I thank God for giving me the strength I still have and this faith, because if I didn’t have it now I would have surely fallen apart completely.
This is part of growing up, I guess. Figuring out that you have made mistakes, that they will or have become a burden, and that you regret them because they effect everything you try to do in your life, especially when you try to change and move on; become something better even. This is so hard. I just wish their memory’s could be erased and that they would never bring up what I’ve said and done in the past. They need to forget, so this will be easier for me and I wont have to see them look at me that way; like I’m some sort of sin in the flesh.
I’m wondering how I will get through this without coming up with wishes and dreams that will never outweigh the crap in life. I know I need to think positive, and know that God is my judge, and that He loves me and forgives me. It’s true, so maybe I should focus more on that. When was it ever good to focus on the lies anyways? I should consult God about all of this and converse with Him about everything. He’s the only one who can truly help me anyways.
I’m done with sex, drugs, darkness, depression, doubts, Satan, setbacks, suffering, crying, being broken, guilt, drama, people, judgment, opposition, lies, and the rest of the bullshit in this world. I’m sick of it and I’m done. God is my only true friend, and I can do all things through Him.