Today

Today I’m struggling. I’m struggling to find the good. I’m so tired of feeling tired and fighting through this life. Everything seems so difficult. I want a job, but my emotions are holding me back. I want to have the happily every after with my boyfriend, but it’s like we’re in this revolving cycle that doesn’t quit. I want my mom to be happy and it’s so hard to see her struggle everyday. It’s hard to know that she wants good things for me, but brings up things in the past that I feel so terrible about that I don’t want to face what I really need to do. I want to follow my passions but I feel so lost. I want to do the right thing and be able to provide for myself and future family but I can’t find my way. I feel so lost. I feel like no one understands me. In my head it’s a churning thought that I have to fight through this and I’m going to be ok. I’ve been doing that. Things seemed like they were better, but it’s like in all reality they really aren’t any better than they were. I want people in my life that are positive and bring the good out in me.. but they’re no where to be found. Then I read that it has to come within myself to find the good.. but it’s as if there is no positive and happiness. So how am I suppose to find this happiness within. I just want to sit here and cry.. but I know that’s not going to do any good. If I wasn’t here I wouldn’t have to feel this anymore. I wouldn’t have to figure out my relationship with my mom or boyfriend.. They could go on and live without me.