Right now, the only thing that’s keeping me alive is the fact that any kind of suicide attempt has a potentially devastating chance of failure. Pills, guns, jumping… everything terrifies me. I keep having flashes of how disastrously each kind of attempt could go, and I don’t have the courage to try any of them. I wish I was less scared of pain. I thought pills would work for a while. I thought sleeping pills would put you to sleep and then kill you gently in your sleep! Can you believe how naive I was? Then I read about how they make you puke, and then die a slow death of kidney or liver failure. I was so disappointed.
Then I think about the people who love me, and whom I lied to. So many lies, so much hiding. It’s all going to come undone sooner or later. They are going to be so disappointed. “He had so much potential”, they’ll say. “Why would he hide everything from us?”, they’ll say. It’ll be so humilating. It scares me so much. I can’t deal with it. I keep living every day making no plans for the future because my life could be destroyed any moment. It’s so hard to live without anything to look forward to.
What I want right now is to be able to lie down on the bed, rest my head on the pillow, and switch everything off. Like a machine. Dreamless sleep, forever.
6 comments
Yeah I wish it was that easy. But there are definitely methods that are less prone to failure than others. For instance, an OD of barbiturates + an anti-emetic is pretty much guaranteed death. Gunshot to the head is pretty surefire if you aim correctly. Also there’s the exit bag. But all these methods are a pain in the ass to attain if you already had a previous attempt.
But yeah, I’m scared shitless of failing and ending up in a vegetative state or some bullshit like that. I never asked to be brought into this pointless existence.
“I’ll keep living every day making no plans for the future because my life could be destroyed any moment. It’s so hard to live without anything to look forward to.”
Darling, you’re contradicting yourself. You make no plans because of the risk of it ending badly, yet it hurts you to live without anything to look forward to. But what you have to know is that although things may not always work out, there still is a chance. If you never try, then you’re completely stripping yourself of the possibility of it working out well – good things won’t happen miraculously. Life is what you make of it, and if you do nothing, then IT IS NOTHING. All you need is 10 seconds of courage to try something new, and although it may be different, it doesn’t mean it’ll be bad. Sometimes, good things come out of bad situations, but again, it’s up to you and how you react to your situation.
I’ve definitely been in the situation where I just want to switch everything off and climb into a lonely hole where no one can bother me, so that I can just be at peace for once. But the thing is, that will never happen, and I realized that. I don’t mean to be a huge downer, but you have to stop trying to get what is impossible to achieve. Take a deep breath. Problems fade, and although it might not seem like it to you right now, I promise you that they do. If you like music, drown your sorrows in it, and find the strength to keep going on. Your friends, your family… even everyone on this site – we’ll be rooting for you, okay? Even if they don’t know about how you feel, know that we believe in you.
Good luck
xx
Well said. I was not so concise in my post “wishful thinking” as you, but the desire was the same, eternal peaceful rest. I drive by road kill and wish I was that animal, they look so comfortable. Everyone else thinks I am nuts. So, I end up keeping my mouth shut and let my mind run wild. After years of turmoil, I am so very tired.
You matter and there is always hope.
Hello, and thank you both for taking the time to reply. It was very kind of you.
I thought that about sleeping pills too, Glad I didnt try it now!