Don’t Get It

Over a year ago I lost my sister to suicide and I still don’t get why she did it. She did not leave a note and I don’t remember there being any sign of her wanting to kill herself. It was not the first time she had attempted to kill herself, in fact it was the 3rd time. The kicker of it all though is that each time she attempted I was the one who found her.
They always say that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle but I don’t want to handle this, I’d rather have her here with me.
I don’t get why she wanted to kill herself so badly and why was I the one who always found her. My family says its because I am the older sister and knew her the best. Others say its because God knew others in my family could not have handled finding her. I thank god everyday that I was not alone and that my best friend was with me because I don’t think I could have handled the situation alone but then there are times I feel like I was alone the whole time.
I am just so tired of putting a smile on my face and pretending that everything is ok when its not. For the longest time I couldn’t wrap my mind around what goes on in a person mind when they want to kill themselves but one night it did happen to me. The sad part is I don’t remember it at all. My friends had to fill me in the next day. So even though I had the thoughts I don’t remember, and still don’t understand what goes through a persons mind right before they do it. I am not sure if I could handle knowing but then again I hate not knowing how my sister felt right before she killed herself.
I have joined this site to express my feeling in hope that it will help me grieve over my sister and to try and connect with others that have dealt with similar situations.