I really do. I’m a sadist. I get off on hurting people and torturing people.
I have never felt happiness in any real sense, in any sense YOU would understand. But fear, the atmosphere of terror after some horrible event, the way fear creeps through a small community after a murder, I LOVE that.
I recall, one day I was walking home from work – slow, dejected, tired – I saw news of a local murder and some grim new details of it. And I instantly perked up, I thanked God for such bloody work and walked home with a spring in my step.
And I think this is why I’m so set on killing myself.
I can’t make people suffer. I don’t have the power. If I did, I’d turn the whole world into a fucking cesspit. I’m telling you, I’d make the whole Earth regret the day I slithered into the world. But I can’t do that, I don’t have the power, I can’t make as many people suffer as I’d like.
So often, I get the impulse to kill – but what would that make me? A footnote, an also-ran, a LOSER. I want to be more than that. I want to be a God of Suffering. I want to be the fucking Devil, drinking the blood of the world and sitting atop a pile of corpses. I want my name to live on after I die, for centuries, as the name of the one true Antichrist.
But it won’t. And what really galls me is how out of fashion I am. The world is full of love. Full of compassion. I see the warm way people treat one another, the way they can easily love themselves and love others – and I realise that humanity is good, that I cannot manipulate them, that I will never be able to use them as pawns in my own dark ambitions.
I might well be the most evil human being who ever lived – but I’ll never have a chance to fulfill my potential. And it fucking kills me.
24 comments
It sounds like you are in a crisis. The only way to solve your problem is to go crisis chat and spend your life on there talking to similar people. There are some humans on there really worth the time of day. You’ll find the link posted on here despite the site rules. I guarantee, those people will help you become normal. This little song, I wrote especially for you:
I was standing in a crisis chat queue
To get help for me and you
Was standing in a crisis queue
Because we were going nowhere
Strangers in a stupid chat room
Crying about nothing all the time
People living just for no reason
Hiding somewhere in a chat room
Don’t stop believin
Hold on to that feelin
Don’t stop believin
Hold on to that feelin
Don’t stop believin
Hold on to that feelin
I just sung that allowed but you couldn’t hear it. I totally rocked that.
My goodness, someone’s a little testy and passive-aggressive today.
@ Orangish If you sing the song, it might help you become less angry.
aloud*
@Cristoforo Colombo: Did it help reduce your desire for passive aggressive bullshit? Seriously, I don’t even know what your fucking problem is.
The op needed help. I was pointing him in the right direction using the power of music to convey the message
You were being a passive aggressive piece of shit. I’d appreciate it if you could point your fucked up bullshit elsewhere, please.
That was actually a good song.
Sounds like you are having another crisis
You’re on this site every fucking day making bullshit cynical comments about absolutely nothing. How many hours a week do you waste on this garbage output? 20? 30? You should find a way to get paid for it. You’d have a full-time job right there.
@orangish;
So, um, do you have a personal vendetta against Cristoforo Colombo?
I don’t spend half as much time on here as you do trying to sound intelligent. Which is probably why you are so successful. Your a very angry person.
Seems I struck a nerve. Ooh, but you don’t bother me a bit. I only spend about 30 minutes a day on here in between working on projects. And I am an angry person – mainly because of people like you. There are just so many assholes in the world.
Das ist bescheuert.
I agree, it is. But I’m not the one continually making passive-aggressive stabs at people for no conceivable reason. To get his kicks? Because he’s secretly extremely angry and doesn’t want anyone to know? Your guess is as good as mine as to why he does it.
Just drop it.
I’ve adhered to the site rules keeping horse racing and IPL comments to a minimum. Good luck with your projects. I hope everything works out for you.
Only a lawyer could hide his anger behind rules like you do. Bravo, my good man. Keep it tucked away nice and securely so nobody notices it and you can continue to ridicule and condescend people from behind your lofty walls. You, sir, are an inspiration.
It’s ok. I won’t frequent the site anymore if it upsets people.
The OP appears to have succeeded in his efforts to generate hate and vitriol. Reading the post, followed by the corresponding comments doesn’t lead me to believe that many Zen Buddhists frequent this site.
Oh well. Live long and prosper, bitches. 🙂
ah, but isn’t that the root of the problem?
No one is buying “ugly truth.” The supply is high but the demand is low, because most people choose their fantasies over bold acceptance of the problems they don’t want to know.
Most would rather “make believe,” than dig through hell to find a clear view of the source of the most important and difficult problems to solve.
No one is paying anyone to “solve” those problems.
Almost everyone pays to be distracted from them, so they can instead comfortably proliferate.
@OP-
I’ve been in that dark place myself. I realized it was artificially induced. Natural in origin, but nurtured to excess, into a blinding black cloud of wickedness.
I don’t naturally want to hurt people. I only want to hurt specific people who have significantly contributed to my suffering. But even then, going that far out of your way, spending that much energy just to hurt people who won’t even appreciate the exquisite pain, or why they deserve it… it all just seems like such a waste. I doubt any of them would actually learn anything.
And then there’s consequences.
The whole “evil” angle is just… pointless, i think. It’s also “wrong,” but that can be viewed subjectively.
I don’t think you should hurt anyone, unless they knowingly and significantly hurt you first, and only in the case when there is no other satisfactory alternative, and only when the consequences are worth accepting.
I can think of a few individuals i might find worth trading my life to bring them absolute agony and irreparable damage. “Might” being the key. Sometimes i value even the smallest and most trivial, mundane things, enjoyable enough to excuse myself for “letting them get away with it.” It’s fun to imagine what i’d do to those people, sometimes… but there are better things in life, even when “life isn’t worth living.” I’d rather just not care, much, instead of being angry all the time. When i am able to choose that, i usually do.
Im a sadistic too. But that doesnt nessecary mean your evil. It just means you want power more or so. Try doibg mma or street fighting if you want to.conflict pain on people but to be the god of suffering, there be no man for you to tortured
Commodus, try HunterNightshade’s suggestions or joining a BDSM cult or hell, be a paid military sniper or governmental interrogator. Whatever route you take, I sincerely hope you fail in a most epic manner. Adieu.