When you listen to the old philosophers they all agree that the human mind is a thing of beauty and interest. For some people on the earth that still rings true, but for people like me and im guessing people like you this is bullshit. The human mind is terrifying. Yeah sure it can let some people work out a complex maths equation but show it a hint of weakness and it will exploit it and tear you to shreds, leaving you sitting in pitch blackness in the corner of a room dripping blood onto the floor.
That is what happens to me.
“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources coping with pain”
People speak about suicide being a selfish act, as something evil, yet fail to see the hypocrisy in what they say. If it is selfish for us to take our own lives, is it not selfish of them to ask us to forget our pain simply to make them feel better, to make sure we don’t weigh down on their conscience.
There will be people reading this who try and talk to people about the way they feel and think, people who they show their fragility to. Of those few who know: some will try and help, some will run, some will pretend you didnt tell them in the first place. A lot of people feel lonely. This loneliness impedes everything they do, so if youre reading this and youre lonely keep reading through the site, there are others… If however you arent going through this then go out and help, listen to someone, simply ask how somebody feels. Its too late for me but you may help someone else…
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results” – Albert Einstein
In that case i am insane. I wake up every morning and expect that something will happen during the day that will show me that things do get better. Nothing will ever get better. i sit at college, listen, take notes, behave, plan my death, get home, drum, run, bleed. Ive expected different results from the same action. Ive now realised its insanity.
For too long i’ve held the hope of university, a place where i can be me, a beacon where i thought if only i reached it things would get better. It seems as though that beacon was destroyed before i could get there. Exams have started here in the UK. It doesn’t matter what i do, the university is going to take a straight A/A* pupil getting C/Ds, its hard to do an exam and to revise when you see no hope and you are breaking down every 10minutes and reaching for a blade. I wanted to study History at ——. Theres that quote that says history is doomed to repeat itself and that is exactly what the world is full of, unless the world changes in how it views people then things are only going to get worse.
Even things which used to be an escape no longer hold a sense of relief.
I don’t know what this is trying to achieve, but if anybody can gleam any comfort or determination to go out and help someone from this then do. thats the mark we all want to leave on the world done for me. Mission accomplished. Well that and hugging Hayley Williams from Paramore.
It seems i have lost my train of thought, distracted by a note in my diary, the school want to talk to me tomorrow, they think a 5minute conversation is all i need in order to be “fixed”.
Im going to go and polish my drums and cymbals, something tells me they wont be being used for a while.
-A
7 comments
yeah… i haven’t touched my guitar in… 8 months? I can’t even listen to music anymore. Every song i hear is a trigger. I’m into silence these days. Soundtrack of the “afterlife.”
This is terribly true, the world is a cruel corrupted place to be in, it really is. Run away, sail away in a boat and find something there, find light somewhere and do something different, I know it’s hard though…morenomari1@yahoo.com talk to me whenever alright
I just hope the people i leave behind take parts of my drums/cymbals and bury them with me. They are the best and only things in my life, they may as well be there in death
Thank you Kilofifi, i may do just that before it becomes imminent
i haven’t touched my bagpipes in over a year. I’m with clevername. I can hardly listen to any music anymore because it all just triggers my depression even more. that’s not to say I feel good in the silence, but idk… people say i need to get back into it and that will help but they don’t know how much energy that would require, energy i just don’t have anymore
The hierarchy of a band always seemed a little bit unfair to me. In terms of attractiveness it goes: #1= Lead singer #2= Lead guitarist #3 & #4= Bassist & Drummer. The girls always seem to go for the singer and guitarist first. The Bass player and drummer may seem less important, but take them out and what have you got? Folk music?
I’m really surprised that people like Mumford and sons. Whenever any of their songs come on the radio I have to immediately switch stations. I’d rather listen to commercials than a banjo. Whatever. Good luck, drummer.
I wish you well.