Opposite

I found this site about a year ago on my sister’s laptop. She was 15 then, and it was exactly three weeks before her 16th birthday. She’d declined my parents the joy of setting up a “sweet 16” party for her, because she didn’t want to give them the joy of setting it up. Then on her 16th birthday, she killed herself. I never got to ask her about the site, or why she always did everything she could to make our parents angry, now it doesn’t even matter. I don’t know if she had an account, I only know the site appeared on her history almost everyday for 6 months straight.

Pretty much, my sister and I had always been stark opposites, but I’d always thought she was amazing. She was exactly who she wanted to be, and her choices weren’t anyone else’s business. Defying our parents, breaking school rules almost daily, being famous in our town (or infamous, depending on who you ask). She dyed her hair bright orange and lime green when she was 12. And got a tattoo of a butterfly when she was 13. Both times she forged our dad’s signature. Both times they said nothing, only glaring at her and very obviously lecturing me about all the harmful chemicals that can get into your system when you get a tattoo or dye your hair.

They always treated her like a bad example. Laice, sweety, just don’t end up smoking like Katelynn did. Please, keep your grades up, otherwise you won’t have a future and will do badly in high school like Katelynn. Don’t act like Katelynn or people will start spreading rumors about our family again. To be honest, I didn’t think anything Katelynn did was bad. I admired her for it. Even if the whole world screams at me, for being stupid, and says I should listen to my parents because they know what they’re doing, I don’t agree. But I still do it. I still do exactly what my parents want me to. Always. I don’t break rules, the school makes new rules just to see how far I’ll go before breaking. I never will. I’ll always be a puppet, following the motions mommy and daddy make with their hands, controlling me.

I’ll always have the friends from my church, the ones who will never break a rule, and always get top grades in the school. I won’t ever change, not because I don’t want to. Because I can’t. I think my parents took Katelynn’s death the wrong way. They didn’t shed a tear, only looked at me and got angry, saying how I better not be planning the same thing. It was the harshest they’d ever been with me. I seriously doubt they’re even mentally stable at this point. I can’t tell anyone about it though. The whole town is shaken up by “the incident”. They refuse to even say Katelynn’s name anymore. See I live in one of those “small towns” where everyone knows everyone else, and secrets are only a dream.

And in case anyone is wondering, I’m posting this from my great aunts house. My parents monitor my computer and cellphone. They don’t give me any privacy. I’ve even caught my mom reading my diary. My great aunt, even though she’s a bit strange, she’s tougher than any of the folks in my town. She’s like one of those “feisty old woman” types. She tells me all about her “theories” as to why Katelynn killed herself, and I love listening to them. Since she was a psychologist back in the day, she comments a lot on people’s behavior. It’s best being with her, since she can tell when someone is faking.

Well that was intro-y enough. Sorry If I’ve offended people by my “un-suicidal-ness”  If you had to rank people on a scale of “suicide threat” I’d be a level 0.0000000000000001, as in, a snowballs chance in hell. I just really wanted to post about my sister, since I can’t exactly re-tell my aunt all the stories I have about her. And I guess I’ve gotten frustrated with my parents and “situation”.