Point?

Alone, I don’t know if it matters that I say I know how you feel, but I do, at least to a significant degree, I think. I would in no way say I have a “bad” life. I have a good family, some of the best friends in the world any person could ask for (though not nearby), and I have a part-time job at a university (I have a PhD). (I can’t claim to have good looks, though — being alone in the relationship sense is probably not a choice in any way for me.)

And still, many, many days seem like an upward struggle. I claw desperately at something to get me through, and yet still feel very alone and disconnected. Even around my own loved ones, I often feel unattached, as if I might as well already be a corpse in the room. I know, factually, I would be missed if I died, but I don’t always see it, as it were. I am alone, horribly alone inside my head. And frequently physically alone, since moving cut my off from most all my friends.

I had a cousin commit suicide though, and so I’m left being frequently and sometimes constantly miserable and wanting to die. As you put it well, “Every day I feel like I’m just on a holding pattern circling a black hole of infinite despair.” And I frequently think that that is only the case for me because others oblige me to exist. I sometimes get the distinct feeling that the family sincerely worries that I’ll be next, which does not make the possibility of ending things any easier.

Here’s the thing, Alone. First, I can’t guarantee you’ll be cured by taking any action. In fact, I can more or less guarantee that you won’t be cured. Feelings of depression are something you will deal with to some degree the rest of your life. But I think that they’re worth putting up with at least until you’ve exhausted every avenue for hope. Second, I strongly encourage seeing a therapist if you are at all able. Steal if you need the money (okay, don’t really steal, but you get my point.) If money really is an issue, look for a therapist anyway — I’ve yet to meet one who wouldn’t work with someone on a fixed income. If the therapist is bad, find a new one. A good therapist can help you work on strategies to help maximize the good parts of your life, and how to minimize the impact of the crap times. And yeah, if it goes there, medication can help if that’s an avenue you’re willing to pursue. But even therapy itself can be beneficial. And this is where your brain might really learn to outthink things, even if just some of the time.

Third, this is my experience now. While I frequently feel disconnected and alone, I do not ALWAYS feel that way. Sometimes, I do feel connected. And I’ve learned to enjoy the little things, and I mean minute. And for now, they are reason enough to go on. I can’t always genuinely be that happy person everyone thinks they need so badly, but there are times when I can be that person to a degree. And it is my hope that you would have a similar experience to mine and many others: relieving the depression enough so that life isn’t one long stream of pain, and taking advantage of the good moments (or learning to find them in some cases).

I do strongly believe in a person’s right to point his life in the direction he wants, but as an honorable and educated person, you owe it to yourself to seek help where it can be found. I think, only when you have exhausted all your resources, should you be making decisions like the ones you’ve expressed here. In all things, though, I hope you do not feel judged; no one who has or has not lived with the horror of depression should be playing God with you. I wish you relief from your condition, and I wish you remain on earth for the duration of a long, healthy, worthwhile life.