Here’s the current draft of my note to my sister. Fairly long, and the section where I try to convince her that she doesn’t have a reason to completely fall apart in life sounds so damn hollow and conceited. Hrm.
Oh, [sister’s name].
I have made the choice to exit life early. I could have written an entire manifesto as to the reasons why, but that would do little to console you or convince you that the decision was rational. I didn’t do this because of trivial aspects of my life that likely would have improved over time. It wasn’t an impulsive reaction to specific events in my life. It’s been a long time coming for me – put simply, I had very little respect for all aspects of society, and my ability to tolerate my own participation ran out. It’s fairly complicated; the best you can do is try to accept that I had my reasons, and that I am at peace with my decision.
Now, regarding you. To you I am sorry, sorry for the effect this will have on you. Of course you’ll mourn, but you’ll need to get over it and move on with your own life. Don’t let the fact of my death debilitate you, don’t allow this to be a defining moment that forever ruins any aspect of your life. If you start to fall apart, ask yourself this: “why?”. Think about it, can you really come up with a legitimate reason as to why my death is so crippling? You’re certainly not to blame; no guilt or shame is yours to carry. Any fears you may have about life or death have very little to do with me. Abandonment? Alright, that’s a little more sensible – you’ll have to accept that while it may very well have been selfish for me to leave, it would also have been selfish to expect me to “hang in there” for others’ sake. My life, my choice. Your life carries on, and the choices are yours to make. Make the choices that make you happy.
I deliberately chose the week of my birthday to make my exit, so that hopefully the worst of the grief comes but once a year. The one regret I do have is not having taken into account putting money aside for cremation costs. It occurred to me too late that had I set things up, I could have given you better closure by having my ashes sent to you to scatter. If you need the closure, I hope it all works out; otherwise, let the government take care of things – I honestly have no concern for my body after death.
As for mom – I haven’t written a letter for her. If the opportunity arises, you can let her know I let go of whatever resentment I had for her. With a decade of silence between us come and gone, I just didn’t have much to say.
Don’t despair, dear sis. I suspect you’re entirely capable of picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and continuing to live well. So do it.
7 comments
Yeah…. Killing yourself shows a lack of concern for how other people feel, so writing them a letter telling them that they’re strong enough to get over it just sounds pretentious and even more selfish. If you really don’t want your family to fall apart then don’t kill yourself. Writing a letter telling them to not worryis like one drop of water against a raging river of anger sorrow and cconfusion that they’re going to feel. Youre taking everything else away from them plus you are taking away their choice of how and when to grieve. Do you really think telling her that you timed it so she’ll hopefully only be sad once a year is really going to work? If you care for you sister then stick around. Writing a letter to act like you care in the face of an act you’re considering performing that obliterates any sign of caring about anyone elses peace or happiness in the future is like punching them straight in the face and then handing them a note that says “sorry. Hope that didn’t hurt”.
You dont have the right to say that, people who continue with life are stong but those who end theirs are even stonger
Do you realize how much courage you need to do something like this
No because you are a pretentious asshole
If you sister is strong enough to pick herself up and dust herself off, maybe you are too.
Life sucks, I’m leaving,
Sorry if my leaving makes life suck more for you… but you can handle it…. I couldn’t but you can.
Life sucks but I want you to experiance it to the fullest…
so…
don’t let my actions influcance that.
In my fantasy I imagine (hope?) that my death will be mourned by life, (that is my revenge on life), but please only once a year… on my birthdeathday… a day when the absurdity of life can really be experianced to the fullest.
Oh and I’m going to let you handle Mom for me, thanks, incase my killing myself will leaves behind a crack of guilt or remorse as I have passively aggressively let go of the resentment I had for her.
Got to run, love you just not enough to stay around
Blah–I don’t understand all the seemingly hostile responses to your attempted goodbye letter to your sister. I agree it’s a dilemma about what to say. I think i”ve decided not to write anything, since everyone has known for a long time and no one will ever fully know me or understand what it’s like in my shoes.
I think I’ve read that suicide notes often do helped loved ones, particularly when it’s an unexpected act. Of course, you can’t control how she feels or what happens to her after you die. You can, however, assure her how much you love her, perhaps mention a fond memory, and as you already did, assure her this was not her fault. Maybe no need to mention your mother if that’s a sore spot in the family. Maybe a short note is best?
Those who are left behind and genuinely care will read “between the lines†of whatever is written.
Nothing you write will assuage guilt, yours or theirs.
It’s quite alright, the responses just confirm what I already knew – the letter is too self-centred. I already had the intent to revamp it, and now I am definitely doing that.
As for not offing myself if I truly cared, I’m not willing to bend that far. A concise letter will have to do, the rest is up to her.