Try so hard but it always hurts

Thank you for reading my text because I feel totally alone right now. I grew with a rageful alcoholic mother who turned all her self-degregation on me. I always felt like a doll not a person and she was so very very scary–could slice with her words in a way that made you feel like nothing at all. But, I was well-liked at school and in sports– I tried so hard to be good. When I was a teenager, my father wrote me a letter telling me that I wasn’t worthy of being their daughter anymore. I had tried so good, but was told to leave the home I always knew and the places I always found comforting. For years, I barely passed my grades in school, I felt like such a failure. I survived for years and found some joy in working and friends–here and there I found places to be strong and happy– but had such a pain inside. Something that always hurt. And, I never felt good enough. I tried so hard but it always hurt. I accidentally married a man who fooled me into thinking he was a nice guy– I never had romantic feelings for him at all but felt like maybe I didn’t deserve the relationships that my other friends had. You know, ones with respect, love, passion and care. The kind of attention that makes you feel wanted! This man gave me the kind of attention that makes you feel gross and makes you feel like you want to crawl into a dark hole and die. From the start, I felt his bad energies — and he made me feel bad for those feelings. I weakened and everntually I believed this ‘nice guy’ — only to realize too late the dark nature of his being after he told me that he ‘caught me now’.. Turned out that he is a sadistic, hurtful, duplicious and manipulative gameplayer– one so dangerous that you want to die, it hurts so much! I always hoped that someone would love me the way I wanted to be loved. Not used, or yelled at, or dismissed. But, I wanted to be seen, understood and valued. That is all I wanted from my parents as a girl and I had to believe that there was a man and a relationship that would fulfill my dream of wanting to be loved–the right way! I became a mother in this abusive marriage– and brought two amazing sons into the world– I loved, nurtured, valued and cared for them. But, the abuse was too much. I sank. He was so mad that I wanted a divorce, spitting on me, yelling on me, calling me crazy and eventually his mental/emotional harrassments turned into physical abuse. I used to beg for a divorce, cry, scream and beg. Nothing worked in the face of this madman. Finally, I was free and divorced– only to find myself on the other side of a legal battle where he paid lawyers to manipulate teachers at my sons’ school without my knowledge. I was a fool for three years and I didn’t know what was happening, and I cried alot sensing something very sinister was going on. I was a good single mother, but I was scared and cried, not knowing what was going on — until it was too late– he’d created enough evidence through manipulations of perseptions.. I had been totally bamboozled — as a mother! And, a great one at that! I tried to be what people wanted, and it just didn’t work out. I couldn’t please a very mean ex who refuses to let me see my sons. He paid alot of money to perform parental alienation on a one sided legal battle where it hurt so much it was all I could do to stay alive! He stole my sons from me– by paying a lawyer, ignoring evaluations that said I was fine and a good mother and paid pepole to harrass me while I was barely surviving my own life! Now, I suppose, I have a good life. I found a loving man– but he hates this situation– no matter how I try to be strong or hide how much it hurts, he know that I feel this bad inside missing my sons. My parents, by the way, helpied my ex win full custody and remove me from my sons’ life. I am smart, well-liked and was such a good mother peopel would stop and tell me, ‘wow you have so much patience’ and ‘my goodness, your sons are amazing- you shoudl be proud’. I put everything I had into mothering only to lose the most important part of me to their father. And, I don’t know how to go on, truth be told, I don’t. I try everyday, but it hurts too much inside and nothing makes that pain go away. The pain of my parent’s rejection. The pain of my ex-husband’s spiteful ways that used my own sons to ‘get at me’. The pain of knowing how much my loving man wants these peopel to treat me right and seeing me suffer…. Why are people like this? Don’t they know I have feelings? Don’t they know that I did nothing to them per say excpet have a hard time with their mean and critical ways? Don’t these people know that when I am not reacting to their hurtful rejection and spiteful ways that cut me to my core–that I laugh, make others feel better, make good decisions and am capable and respected? It is my family that made me want to die as a young girl- I felt that way all the time at home (but was happy at school) and, now, not being able to hug, talk to and love my sons because their father is crazy– although he twisted so that he made it about me because he had the money to do so while I was stupid and naivie– raising my sons and believing that people won’t be so hateful! I was stupid very very stupid–he told me that if I divorced him, he’d take my sons away and I’d never see them again. A threat he carried out and it hurts me more than I can say… How can other people ruin your heart and soul so much? And, I try so hard to remain me– the person I was born to be– but the people in my life make it so hard to want to try– I do try but it always hurts!

Thank you for reading this. I don’t know what else to do but post it.