I have been on a journey now for a few years. A journey of self-discovery is the way I like to think of it now. I began on my path through tragedy. My initial methods for dealing with this were vast; anger, denial, suppression – the usual, I think. It was only after a second life-altering event that I began to heal properly. Again, not right away. I was led into a darker existence, but I believe it has led me through to a better place now. I gave up on trying to ignore the immensely negative thoughts I had been having all along. I began to relish them. It became who I was – on the inside, anyways.
I always managed to maintain a positive demeanour in public. But in the privacy of my own thoughts, I strayed. I began to ponder my own place in the world. Suicide. It became a prominent thought in my mind, always running at a thousand miles an hour, but this one thought slowed me down. I had never been able to clear my mind quite like that. I still cannot. What began as an idea was slowly morphing into an inevitability. My self harm had long since begun, but along with my thoughts of suicide, this too was evolving. Hair pulling, scratching, hitting my head against a concrete wall. These actions had turned into cutting, burning, and a blatant disregard for safety in everything I did.
I have never been an open person. I like to think that I am an honest one, but I know deep down that this is not the case. I’m not even honest with myself. Even less so with those around me. I struggle to find the words to express myself to others, and I have a paralysing fear of the potential repercussions that sharing my innermost secrets with another might cause. That is why I am here. When I write I have the opportunity to formulate my thoughts into the words that I truly desire. When I am anonymous, I have no fear. I am no one on here. Just another screen name with a story.
I have managed to pull myself from my past perils, at least for the most part. I find myself now in a state reminiscent of purgatory. I do not partake in self-harm any longer. It has been nearly one year since my last transgression. For that, I am proud. A feeling that was so foreign to me in the past that I rejoice in it now. It is truly beautiful. I am thankful for it. I am thankful for me, for my life and for my experiences. However, in trying to continue to move forward I am now at an impasse. I cannot simply forget what has happened to me and what I have done. That is not an option. My past experiences shape who I am today. But as much as I cannot leave the past behind, bringing it along with me on the next step of my journey does not seem right either. When I connect with a person I feel the intensity of my dishonesty whenever I am reminded of what has happened, or when I have minor slips back in to my old thought process. I want to share with those around me how I feel, the thoughts that are racing through my mind. But the fear of bringing myself (and the lucky confidante along with me) back down into oblivion terrifies me.
I know that I need to share myself to truly connect another person and have them understand me. I just do not understand how I can do that without going back. Dwelling on the past. This is my worst enemy and it is entirely within the confines of my own mind. I am well aware that this is a step in the right direction for me. I still have a battle wage on my own thoughts, but at least now the depression, the suicidal thoughts, the pure darkness is mostly gone. Maybe it will never leave me for good. I can live with that. I can be happy with that. I am who I am, and a large part of who I am is who I was. All I can hope is that I continue to grow that I will have new experiences and new “old me”s that will slowly reduce the parts that I wish to move away from.
1 comment
Congrats on your progress. Glad to hear the self harming has stopped. It’s pretty pointless and doesn’t really solve anything.
You did not give details to your specific situation so I cannot say I relate for sure, but I can relate to the basic outline of events. I too went through a sequence where some painful events forced me to back away from the rest of the world and spend time looking in the mirror and trying to figure myself out. Like you, much of this time was painful, but I am also far enough along in the journey now where I can actually say I appreciate that it happened.
And also like you, I struggle with the questions about what happens when I try to press the Play button again. What happens when I decide to try having a relationship again? What happens when I try to open up again and create some kind of a life? Will I indeed find out that I am a better, different person now, or am I going to see my “improvements” all collapse and fade away at the first sign of a real test, and realize that I’m still the same person after all.
When I can’t find an answer for these questions I inevitably end up telling myself that I guess this part of the journey really isn’t over yet. So maybe the same applies for you. If you just can’t quite imagine how the next step is going to work, maybe you need a little more time in this stage. However on the other hand we will probably never have 100% certainty about what to do next so there if we try to wait until we can confidently answer every question that comes to mind about what happens next, that day will probably never come. You’ll never know exactly what is around the next corner. So your choices are either postpone turning the corner or decide that you are willing to face the uncertainties.