Hey everyone.
I am so unbelievably unhappy that words cannot describe the myriad of emotions (or perhaps lack thereof) which plague me with an intensity that is almost incomprehensible. However, I currently have the urge to try to do so for reasons that I do not know. Â I am not begging for attention, sympathy, or pity. I am merely using this post as an outlet for my own thoughts and emotions which I cannot express by any other means than by writing them down. Then again, perhaps I am subconsciously attempting to incite empathy, to offer others a glance at my own perspective with the intention of broadening the understanding of emotions that one may experience from within one of the several billion viewpoints present on this earth.
First, I will describe myself (Please do not mistake my description as boasting, I am what I am). I am male, twenty years old, about 5’11” tall, and roughly 175 lbs in weight. I am told that I am very attractive, as well as quite athletic with a body fat percentage of under five percent. I am very academically gifted, having tested off of the charts with an IQ of at least 150. I am caucasian; my ancestors originate from various parts of Europe. I come from an upper-middle class family in the midwest that lives comfortably, but not lavishly.  I went through a parochial schooling system through the eighth grade, after which I attended public high school in order to be exposed to a more diverse group of people as well as compete in a more competitive sports division. I am currently pursuing an engineering degree (hmm..chemical or mechanical?) with intentions of attending graduate school. However, I already have a private business that I would be able to inherit through a relative if I choose to take that route after obtaining my bachelor’s degree. Now, you would think that this is all well and good. Who could possibly be unhappy with all of these seemingly wonderful blessings? The truth is that without happiness, everything in the world that you could possibly have on your side amounts to nothing at all. It even works against you, mocking you because it is so useless.
Intelligence is a double-edged sword. With one side you are able to competently manipulate the world around you to obtain what you want and achieve success, but with the other you are forced to acknowledge all of the incredibly brutal truths that exist in yourself, others, and the entire world around you. Rather than a boon, intelligence can become the bane of your entire existence. These brutal truths are what may drive me to my end. This may sound odd and most likely insane, but it always knows. Always. You can never fool yourself into thinking otherwise. The worst part about it is that it never stops. Never..until you do yourself.
It is safe to say that recreational drugs have not helped my case. I am not and have never been a serious alcoholic or addict, and I neither condemn nor condone the use of legal/illegal substances that I have or have not used. The only remarks that I can make are relative to the knowledge that I have gained through my own experiences with them. I have never used heroin, cocaine, crack, methamphetamine, or inhalants. I have, however, smoked cannabis, abused ecstasy and adderall (amphetamine salts) over very short periods of time, and experimented with psychedelics fewer times than I can count on one hand. In the end, we all do what we decide to do and 99/100 it is your choice alone. I do believe that one of the main reasons I ever used these substances was that I was upset with my own reality, and that I was trying to hide from it in some way. Â In the end, the crash and aftereffects from “harder drugs” were always longer and more dreadful than I would ever admit to myself. I have consistently felt more suicidal after MDMA or adderall binges not only due to self-loathing and regret, but also because of temporarily upsetting dopamine and seratonin levels. These brain chemicals may sound very familiar, as they are often the main target of commonly prescribed antidepressants.
Emotion. Romanticized by many, understood by few, rationalized by the insane. It’s one of those paradoxes, are you insane to truly attempt to rationalize emotion or do you only reach insanity once you have successfully achieved this objective? This question is neither here nor there, but rampant emotion seems to afflict everyone and everything like a disease. Though, some may be more sensitive to it than others. When I describe my own it comes forth as a sadistic combination of emptiness, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration (to no avail, of course), all of which is blanketed by a taunting numbness. Â This numbness alone makes me feel as though I am a freak, not fit to walk this planet with the rest of society. Â It is a terrifying feeling that smothers all that I am, was, and ever will be. However, it isn’t as though I necessarily admire or approve of the society I long to be a part of, especially the one portrayed by the media. It seems as though it all has been infected by some putrid pneumonic disease for which there is no cure.
It most likely will come as no surprise that I am not in a committed relationship at this present time, and that I have not been in one lasting longer than a few months. I have seen true love between a man and a woman, yet never experienced it. Unfortunately, it seems as though it is becoming more of a rarity these days. I have respect for women, but I have yet to find the right one that respects herself as well. Presently, my hope of finding real love is fleeting; I hold onto one remaining thread of what used to be a strong cable, anchoring me to my childhood belief that I would one day find a woman worthy and capable of reciprocating undying and unconditional affection. My guess is that this is not an uncommon feeling.
So, why am I so unhappy? It seems to have a great deal to do with circular logic. I have no self confidence because I have no self confidence. Â I’m unhappy because I’m so unhappy. The problem with a circle is that it has no corners, breaks, or disruptions in the pattern. It is a rut that I have somehow stumbled into and it has become impossible to escape as the gaping chasm gets wider and wider..until it one day may swallow me whole.
13 comments
You’re not the first person I’ve talked to who describes their intelligence in this manner. I can’t say much, all I can say is that you aren’t alone. <3
Emotion (mood) is orthogonal to logic and rationale, except that in our better moods we are more likely to “try.” In a bad mood we’ll be less likely to utilize any of our resources, so emotions are related to our ability to learn; yet separate. You are vigilant and this will become obvious, but I wanted to write a few brief words about a couple of other things too.
1.) You will find that your semi-conscious is doing a good chunk of work for you, in pre-processing your thoughts and world view. You expressed skepticism (some perceived diff’s) between what mass media portray and your reality. You also seem to recognize a hesitance to get attached to some chick. Probably it feels like your “gut feelings” or instinct, but I just wanted to approve: I think you’re right. These are both good and correct.
2.) When I was 20, I was in a rut too. I had just completed mid-term exams and I was watching TV in a friend’s dorm. An ad came that I’d seen dozens of times: the screen went black, rotor blades could be heard, white letters asked asked a simple question: “Do you want to get high?”
A dissolve segue showed a helicopter hovering above water while a bunch of soldiers jumped out with rifles. Not one word was spoken, only the roar of the blackhawk and splashes could be heard. The screen went black with white letters again. “Be all you can be,” it read. The whole ad was less then ten seconds. It was the first time I’d really watched an Army ad, having ignored them thousands of times.
People might read this and suspect that I am a recruiter. But God damn it, the Army treated me better (and worse) than anyone or anything in this world. I went directly from university burn out to the recruiting station. The Army put me on a tank in Ft. Knox, Germany, Kuwait and Ft. Drum NY. The Army paid for my college degrees up to an M.S. in Computing Science after my one and only enlistment.
The Army can be difficult, dangerous and the Army can even be boring. But the Army is adventure incarnate and I never heard anyone say they felt like they were in a rut. Obviously I love the Army but the Air Force and Navy are good too. The Marines branch is too extreme though.
You’ll figure it out bro, I just wanted to mention one example of a possible solution. Thanks for sharing a part of your story, and welcome aboard. 🙂
You sound arrogant and judgemental.
Oh it’s so hard being smart. Well news flash: its also hard being dumb. Or having a learning disability. So have a little empathy and don’t act so hard done by.
You haven’t found a woman ‘worthy of love’? Let me tell you something: everyone is worthy of love. Maybe the problem lies in you not being capable of accepting someone fully.
Get off you high horse and come down and join us little people. You might learn a thing or two
Riding high horses is fun though one_day D:
Isn’t this an example of ‘preaching the gospel” which is not allowed on this site?
My last comment was directed toward one_day.
For “all or nothing”, I say that your myriads of emotion seem to be from the world emphasizing such emptiness like money, success, and status. I know the feeling, and have tried to escape also. It’s all pointless. The happiest people are those that give and give…the rich people who give loads to charity, not the rich people are looking for more money and recognition (You DON’T want my autograph?!) The ones with the biggest hearts have the biggest smiles. The ones with the biggest heads have the biggest syringes. It’s lousy not feeling appreciated after giving so much, but with enough practice, you don’t do it for appreciation anymore…that’s just a bonus. You can find the givers like yourself…so many are out there looking for people like you. In the mean time, you have two potential paths in life that can help you give even more. It’s all about intention. It’s hard, but it’s true. Good luck.
One_day, it seems as though the pot is calling the kettle black. I qualified my description of my situation solely as observation of myself through not only my eyes, but through the eyes of others so as to prevent misunderstandings such as yours. Also, I’m sorry that you misinterpreted my usage of “love”. I love many people around me. However, i stand by my statement that romantic love is something that should not be wasted on a person that is not worthy. I define a worthy lover as someone with which you share a great level of mutual respect and trust, which includes someone who respects themselves enough to not sleep around with everyone. This is all too common in universities and colleges, as well as in my age-group and demographic as a whole. Why should I settle for someome that is accustomed to being unfaithful or dishonest with themselves and doom myself to even more certain unhappiness? I am no better of a person than them, but I can choose not to be involved with them so as to spare myself the pain. As for those who have learning disabilities, it is only the other side of the spectrum. I have plenty of empathy for those affected by them, but I also understand that to a certain degree, ignorance is bliss. To not consider that some degree of mental excess can bring about misery would be to ignore quite a large group of people. Look at the statistics of intelligent people with major depression. My main point, again, was that with everything in the world on your side you can still be unhappy. If I could help it I would, but I can’t. What you mistake for arrogance is only a form of cynicism and general unhappiness. Trust me, I have much more hate for myself than you could ever have for me. I am very far from placing myself above others as human beings, for I fell off of my high horse long ago.
As for everyone else that has commented, I greatly appreciate your support and thank you for reading my post. You do not know how much it means to me.
Of course you’re free to chose whatever lover you like. But to blanketly state that someone is ‘unworthy of love’ because they sleep around, is VERY judgemental. People in college and young and experiment. That doesn’t make them bad people, just means they are making bad choices. So yeah, I think it’s really judgemental to say they flat out don’t deserve love. You don’t have to be with them, but you also don’t have to flat out say ‘that person’s a shit human being not worthy of love’. Because, on some level, almost EVERYONE is worthy of love.
Secondly, you can’t in the same sentence say you have empathy for unintelligent people and also make statements like ‘ignorance is bliss’. How would you know what they’re going through? It’s the same judgementalism – you claim to know better than anyone what it feels like to be in their shoes?
Believe it or not, I’m not saying this to be nasty and I’m sorry if it comes accross that way. But I do think part of your problem is a superiority complex and you might be happier if you stopped judging people so much and learned to appreciate their positive qualities – take it from someone who knows – I had this mentality when I was 16 and was a lot happier and made a lot more friends, and became a much nicer person when I grew out of it.
I didn’t exactly create this post to encounter any online arguments, but i feel compelled to defend my position. I do not have a problem with people who sleep around outside of relationships. But, if this becomes a character trait (which is hardly uncommon) you cannot deny that old habits die hard. I agree with you that everyone deserves some type of love, but romantic love involves an incredible amount of trust to be successful. Whether you like it or not, some people are downright untrustworthy. I have no tolerance for a girlfriend that cheats on me. Why should i put up with it? As far as ignorance being bliss, it is a truism that you may not want to accept, but i say it with a sense of brutal honesty. If a loved one were to be injured or killed at 10 A.M. and you were not told until the evening, would you not feel better at noon than you would have if you already knew? If you are unaware of a certain type of suffering going on in the world, is it not one less thing to trouble your mind? Also, take note that I again qualified my statement with the words “to a certain degree,” so do not take what I said out of context. It seems to be a habit of yours. As for claiming that I said that I “know better than anyone what it’s like to be in their shoes”..this is a blatant falsehood. Do not put words in my mouth. Your credibility continues to dwindle, especially as your hypocrisy reaches new heights. As for making friends, this is not really an issue for me if I make it my focus. To be able to make friends and act benevolent towards others is one thing, while being happy with yourself is another. They are not necessarily dependent on each other. If you are sincerely posting this out of goodwill, then your message has come across very muddled. I view it as a personal assault and it has generated nothing but negativity. I resent having to defend who I am to someone that I do not know, and who knows very little about me. I simply wish not to argue anymore on the subject of these trifling semantics, for it is nothing but a waste of energy for us both.
Not knowing about the death/injury of a loved one might be a valid quantification of the statement ‘ignorance is bliss’. But your original post wasn’t about that. It was about the fact that you think people of lower intelligence have an easier life. You make the mistake of assuming that just because someone has low intelligence, this means they have less feelings. That’s untrue. Ignorance might be bliss, however people of low intelligence are not ignorant, they just understand less. You ever talk to someone with down syndrome? They KNOW when they are being made fun of, and it hurts them. They might not understand, but they still know and feel, and I stand by the statement that it is arrogant of you to think your pain is worth more than theirs just because you might do better on a few standardised tests.
We have to agree to disagree, but believe me, this is in no way a personal assualt. I simply find your generalisations about women AND people of low intelligence to be extremely insulting.
I have no wish to antogonise you, I only hoped to present a picture of the side you’re not seeing.
Though i don’t agree with most of what you have posted, i understand the point that you are trying to make. You are still twisting my words from their original intended meaning. In no way, shape, or form did i say that my situation was “worse” than that of a mentally disabled person as a whole. There are merely different issues that come about with each situation. I can agree with you and say that I would rather be on this side of the spectrum than the other due to the odds of rectifying my current state. You could legitimately argue that i insinuated that it is more difficult in some ways to be on the extreme sides of the spectrum than it is to be near the middle, but that is my opinion. Regardless, there is something to be taken away from everything. Thank you for your input.