Why?

As I am typing this, my life on paper sounds like the most ideal life anyone can hope to live. I did drop out of college and my job, but only for a few months as I’m planning to get a part time summer job and take classes again in the Fall (I’m lucky my parents didn’t punch me in the head for what I did). Everyone in my family is… family. Normal. Granted, my parents and I had our differences and argued sometimes, but that’s normal, isn’t it?

Childhood was relatively normal (minus being molested by two teeenage girls when I was like… 8? I don’t think it does anything too much these days). And I was a kind of a whale in elementary-first 2 years of high school. So yea, I was teased quite a bit, but not to the point of being bullied around. It did hurt my feelings and made me sad, but I made it worse for myself by perpetuating the negative thoughts and ended up thinking of killing myself a lot (because of my looks, shyness, no friends, etc). But I think Sophomore year was when I met two guys who would be my two best friends (first bestfriends I ever had). That helped me out a lot throught the rest of highschool. And then, something… interesting happened.

Not going into too much detail, I basically had my first crush with a girl that I actually talked to in school. I confessed, and it was rejected (even though she DID have a boyfriend). That made me moap around for a year or so. But during the time I was hanging out with her in school, it made me motivated to better myself. I stopped sleeping in the same bed as my parents (at age 13, yeah that’s pretty pathetic, just don’t tell anyone 😉 ), I started working out A LOT and dieted for awhile, and it payed off. I was so happy with myself, that I grew some confidence in myself.

Then I had another crush to move on from the first crush, and guess again! Feelings rejected. I should’ve known. Moped around, live and learned.

But then, a surprise. I went to prom with no date (surprise!) but instead, my best friend and a friend It I knew from middle school. I was planning to have a good time with this group I hang out with in the morning, forgetting my single troubles, but a girl came up to me. She was talking about a girl who’s in the same class as me, saying that she likes me. When I first heard that a girl liked ME, I was pretty happy. I didn’t know she had feelings for me, we just work in the same table and talk.

But, since my selfish ego just wanted a girlfriend for the sake of having one, I told her I liked her back. I really did like her, but not that much. After prom, we started dating for about a month, then I decided to break up with her because she wouldn’t have sex with me (plus, she had other attributes that I didn’t like). Horrible of me to do, I know.

Fast forward to graduation, at this point I accepeted the fact that I will never find that special someone in my life (yeah, right. At 17, who doesn’t?), I was ready to just live a lonely life of schooling to get a great career and make a lot of money, enough to support my parents when they get older and to provide a family of my own. Somehow, I was content the way things were… until I met her.

So it was graduation practice, we practice our positions and where we walk and what we do. Well, we were lined up alphabettically last name. There was a girl in all black sitting in front of me. She wasn’t talking to anyone while everyone else was, so I decided to talk to her because neither was I, lol. And we talked, and talked, and laughed. We sat next to each other as our last names were really close alphabettically. It was, fun. On graduation day, we did the same things: talked, made fun of stuff, had a good time.

We added each other on Facebook, and said our goodbyes.

A week later, I decided to actually message her to hang out. So we did, and started a chain of haning outs with her and friends. Sometimes, just the two of us. During that time, it felt like something… nice. It was, nice. And after a few months of hanging out, we started dating. She was perfect, everything I wanted in a girl. My dream girl… soul mate, but that’s kind of strecthing it. But I’ll spare you the details and just say she broke up with me and I really got off the rocker by saying horrible things and doing horrilble things (NOT RAPE, I WOULD NEVER WANT TO GO TO JAIL TO BE BUTTFUCKED BY BIG FRANK FOR 10 YEARS).  Ever since then, we haven’t talked or seen each other, but she’s still in my mind every single minute of my life (unless I distract myself with Youtube or games). And even then, it doesn’t help. It’s been well over three years now, and I still can’t get over her. It’s sad of me, even I think it’s pathetic. I tell myself to move on and find another girl, I always did. But I can’t (because by now my self confidence has been demolished to an ounce of ash) and I started confining myself all the time, plus I gained a few pounds back.  But maybe I’ll find another girl later on, who knows.

I just want it to all end. But why? Why over one girl when there’s a like 10 billion people on the planet. In someone else’s shoes, I pretty much have a good life and shouldn’t complain about anything.  But why? Why does it feel like time stopped and I’m stuck with it? I even wanted to kill myself over this girl, which looking back at it now is fucking ridiculous and pathetic. But why? Why do I feel so miserable in this bask of happiness? Why do I feel so empty when my life is full of… life? I’m just really flabbergasted right now.

Maybe this is what love really is. I told her I loved her one night after a date, and she didn’t say it back. But I knew she didn’t feel the same way (it was only a few weeks into our relationship. Yeah, jumped the gun there.) But since that night, three years ago, I haven’t changed my feelings at all. I still miss her and wish she was still with me, and I just want to share everything I have, see, feel, and hear everything with her, even though she’s probably forgotten about me and already moved to another state (one of my friends so graciously informed me).

I don’t know, I’m just at a loss. Maybe I’ll move on when I find another girl to love. Or maybe, I’m just unconciouslly waiting for her to come back. Maybe in some other place, at some other time.