I am someone who has gotten help for my depression before. I went to a treatment center and it helped considerably. But…I still feel like something is…missing. I still feel pain for no reason, want to cry when there’s nothing to cry about, and just feel, well, lousy when left by myself with nothing but my thoughts. If someone said, ‘Here, I have a painless way to die. You’re gone instantly.’ then I would probably take it. Life…doesn’t have much meaning for me. It’s like, ‘okay, I exist’ but nothing more. I’d be content to just stay in my house all my life. I don’t feel the need to go out and do things and I’ve been pretty well described as a Narrcisist.
I don’t mean to be like this, it’s not what I choose. If I had it my way, I’d be happy and have the drive to do things. I just…don’t. If I died right here, right now, I wouldn’t be upset. I would just go along and accept it.
I told my mom that and she immediately jumped to me being suicidal again. Â I don’t know if I am or not. I feel like ending everything but…yeah, I do feel like ending everything. I know, though, that if I fail, I’ll just be under more scrutiny and be watched over more and will probably end up right back at the damn treatment center.
It’s hard to just…exist instead of live. You just go day by day, doing what you need to stay alive. That’s…no way to live. So, that is another reason I feel like suicide might be good. I just escape it all, no consequences. I won’t have to worry about what would happen if I did tell my mom or others. If I tell them how I feel, I’ll just be deemed back to square one and will get all my freedom ripped away.
That’s not what I want. I just want to have a way to end it, the pain, the misery, all of it. I’m happy sometimes but that’s only little bursts. If I could just escape, that would be perfect. I’m still looking for a way to escape.
3 comments
Depression is physically a chemical imbalance in the brain. Going to a treatment center once or having a few therapy sessions won’t cure anything. I think it’s evident that it’s solely a chemical imbalance if there are no immediate or obvious reasons as to why you’re feeling the way you are. Do you have a therapist? Do you have a psychiatrist? If a treatment center helped you then they may prove to be beneficial as well. A psychiatrist can prescribe medication that will help your brain produce the proper chemicals needed to help pull you out of this depressive state. If you’ve got nothing to lose, it’s worth looking into.
Suicide is ultimately a very personal and permanent choice. If you’re hesitant about it, if you still have a ‘will’ to live, then I really don’t think that’s what’s best for you. The road to recovery is long and arduous but it’s worth it especially in your case. Best of luck
kha-shit: “Depression is physically a chemical imbalance in the brain.”
No, it isn’t. SOME depression is caused by that, but to say “depression is a chemical imbalance” is ignoring at least half of the problem, if not more.
I would posit that, in fact, MOST depressed people, are depressed because of things that happen outside their brain, even outside their bodies.
Pills and therapy won’t fix the past, nor will it fix the lost future opportunities, due to the events that occurred in said past, and the extended impacts they’ve had.
I don’t think it’s right to assert that “depression is a chemical imbalance.” Only sometimes it is that. There are quite a few people whose depression is not just that, but is both directly and indirectly attributable to events outside their bodies (and even in them) which were beyond their control.
But yeah. If everything in your life is otherwise “fine,” but you’re inexplicably depressed for unknown reasons… then that is probably a chemical imbalance, which is typically treatable.
But that does not encompass the entire spectrum of depression and suicide. To say that it’s “only a chemical imbalance” is like ignoring an 800lb. gorilla in the room.
Clevername,
I think you’re right. Too many people think that pills equals no more suicidal ideations, but that’s not the truth at all. Even people on pills commit suicide, they simply take an overdose of those tablets, or they do something else. There’s a lot more involved with treating depression than just taking a pill and coaxing someone into thinking suicide isn’t right. If I were to coax you into believing that God exists, does that mean you will believe it? Probably, but probably not. Same with whether you think suicide is right or wrong. It’s a belief system some people have to cope with their losses, and I know for certain that medicine isn’t a cure by a long shot, for suicide or even all depression.