Iâ€™m reaching my breaking point. Last night, I wrote my letter. I plan to do the deed in August. I would do it sooner but I promised a good friend I would help decorate when she moves Â in July. Initially, I planned to go out on my 40th bday. You know give myself one last chance to make something of myself and turn this miserable life around but Iâ€™mÂ EXHAUSTEDÂ â€“physically, mentally, emotionally.
I got into a good college after high school but I ruined it by dropping out after my junior year. My life has been on a downward spiral ever since then. Â I’veÂ spent the last fifteen years trying to make up for my mistake. Last year, I finally finished my bachelorâ€™s degree. Now, Iâ€™m in a job making less than I did before I had the degree.
Since finishing school, I have had to face how empty my life really isâ€”I have very few friends and I am not close to my family. Everyone at work is either married or in a relationship. I don’t fit in at all. Â Iâ€™m 35 and I have never been in a real relationship.Â All the guys Iâ€™m interested in are in a relationship and/or simply not interested in me. Iâ€™m fat and most men find me unattractive.Â I know I will never be in a relationship, get married or have kids.
I suffer from chronic lower back pain due to a herniated disc. There are days when the pain is so bad all I can do is lie in bed doped up on pain meds. Iâ€™m in my thirties and already own a cane and a walker.
I’veÂ been in therapy for years.Â I’veÂ been on at least different anti-depressants. I actually do the work the therapist suggests. Every time I get my hopes up that things are going to finally change for the better, they seem to get worse. I know there is something inherently wrong with me â€“ I seem doomed to fail. Â I cannot nor want to put any more energy and effort into this life.Â I just canâ€™t do it anymore. Iâ€™m tired of being an outcast and being alone.Â I have no reason to keep on living.