Death calls me again and again.

am 19 year old, a second year student of Psychology from St. Xavier’s College.
I do not exactly remember how long it has exactly been but I have never had a good relationship with my parents since I was some 16 year old after I had my first relationship with a guy.
Though they let me go out to college, but my life is equivalent to hell. I do not say I am the only suffering person in the world, but for me, at this moment, only my pain matters.
Day before yesterday when city enjoyed one of the loveliest weather, I asked my mother if she would take me to Riverfront to which she denied because she had work. When I told her I am going with my friends, she quickly reiterated saying I was so desperate to go out because I had ‘planned’ to meet some guy.
This only irritated me more and I broke down.
I have always had a 360 degree different view point than hers. She is one of those women who thinks it is girl’s duty to be submissive in front of men, not go out alone (Please do not take this as her ‘care’ for me. She is scared what society will tell her if they find me roaming around alone/with someone.), etc.
Last time when she told me abt a girl who drank alcohol was a slut, I had a different opinion.
She tells me she sent me to good college so that I could study and not form a different opinion like this. She thinks I am having modern opinions and am influenced by the west, hence I will bring shame to her family.
I meet a lot of people, I understand their viewpoint and those views impress me. But that doesn’t mean am degrading myself in anyway. Just that I am exploring myself as an individual and edifying my knowledge. I want to be independent and free. I want to travel to places, meet more people and do things I dream. But my parents don’t even allow me to go to a restaurant with friends, because again – Family shame.
I feel trapped amid st all these and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to grow this way which depresses me. She tells me I can do whatever I want once am married but as long as am under their custody, I will have to behave like they want me to.
I know this is wrong, but I get urge to commit suicide or run away from home. To worst, I’ll get raped and murdered and then, it would be it. Atleast I won’t have to undergo all these torture daily.
I blog about feminine rights and empowerment whereas am myself downgraded everyday. I see my other female friends enjoying, travelling alone and doing everything they want. I can’t even share my feelings with my parents.
I feel suffocated in this house.