Where to start..
I guess with how I’m feeling right now. I’m doing awful. And by awful I mean I want to kill myself. I wish that sometimes I would get the guts to try it again. Or I wish I would have died the first time.
My boyfriend has depression as well. And when he is having a bad day he just goes home. (Normally he stays with me as we mostly live together) Like today he got off work early. I didn’t know what time because he never told me. He just said he was having a hard time and didn’t want to talk about it. Which I understand. But when he goes home it makes me feel like he can’t come to me with his problems. What happens when we get married? Is he just going to go home then too? And I feel like whenever he is upset I get upset. And I don’t know how to control that. And I try not to show it to him. And I feel like I always say the wrong things when he’s upset, like I make things worse.
I’m stressed about school. Already. And it doesn’t start up for another two months. I am going into my junior year of college. And I feel like I still don’t know if I have the right major or not. But I don’t know what else to change it to because I don’t know what to do with my life, or if I even want to live my life anymore. I am an athlete as well so that is added stress. And we are getting a new coach this year. Which is more added stress. I just don’t know if I can do this anymore. And I feel like I say that every year before school but this feels different this time.
I hate money. It is one of the things that stresses me out most. And I have such anxiety that I couldn’t get myself to go out and get a summer job like everyone else. I’m too scared. Sometimes I think about getting a “real” job when I finish college. And that thought makes me want to kill myself more than anything else. If I can’t get a stupid summer job at a clothing store or fast food restaurant how am I supposed to get the guts to go out and get a real job? I’m scared that I’m gonna wind up having so much anxiety that I won’t be able to. And my mom doesn’t understand at all. And I try to explain it to her but she doesn’t get it. But if I don’t get a job outside college I won’t be getting any money. How am I supposed to make a living?
My head hurts. I cry a lot. And I’m taking medicine and talking to a therapist. I feel like I’m doing everything I’m supposed to. Why do I still feel this way? I know I have a great life, whenever I talk to my friends that’s all they say. So I can’t talk to them about it. And if I talk to my parents and they know how suicidal I am they would be too worried about it. And I live in a different state than them and I would be concerned that they would want to come out with me for a while and I don’t want that.
I just want to be done.
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1 comment
You have a lot on your plate. Relationships can be a big challenge. One thing I have learned is that no matter how hard we try to change the person we love, we can’t change them. We won’t be able to no matter what we do. If they are doing things that bring us down or hurt us and we allow it then we are caught up in a relationship called co-dependency. Not a good place to be. Take a hard look at yours. You have the answers because you are living it. I used to be an athlete in college and know what that stress is all about to perform and what is required to accomplish that. A lot of hard work. If you can do that at the college level then believe me, you can transfer that to the workplace. Your first jobs either in college or just out of college are going to be jobs that are starter jobs. You are on the right track by being in school but you are letting stress rob you of any joy that you may have. Future tripping is a terrible waste of energy because we can worry about a lot of things and it won’t change a thing other than drain our mental energy. I have been through much struggle and suffering in my life and through it all I have come to have a real intimate personal relationship with God. I find it one that I have neglected for most of my life but now it is my biggest priority. I don’t worry as much and I just try to take one day at a time and not dwell on the past failures or the future too much. Just learning to trust God for the day that he has given me and that is today. That I know for sure. Your story is so interesting. I too had a new coach in my college career and I ended up changing schools because in my initial meeting with him, he mentioned three different times that he could use my scholarship if I decided to change my mind about staying so I transferred. Not saying that is what is going to happen to you but I have found athletic fame and glory to be so temporary but it did pay for my college. Now 25 years later, I look back and see how that was just another chapter in my life’s book and I moved onto other arena’s to shine. You are stressing yourself out as is so common in this modern society we live in. Try prayer and a relationship with the one who created you. One of his blessings is peace within our hearts. Let not your heart be troubled his Word says and so much more. I wish you well.