Freshman Year…

My Freshman school year was complete utter hell. The summer before freshman year was something you would normally only have written in a crazy book or a fake story someone made up. I was a young 14 year old who was in a abusive relationship and after it was broken off it followed me into my first year of high school. He was telling everyone a bunch of insane stories about how we had sex everyday and he spent the night almost every weekend. The only time I ever saw him was when he was standing at my locker and then he either was asking me to date him again or violently screamed at me about how I was such a slut and was sucking every guys dick I’ve ever seen. It got so bad i asked for a older guy’s help with it and he would walk with me to my locker, it was the only was my ex wouldn’t speak to me.One of the times he couldn’t my ex was acting like he was going to swing at me and a crowd of my friends crowded around, even then I never gave in and yelled back at him, I pretended to ignore him but there was only so long  I could and ignore the terrible rumors spreading around about me and everything he said. I finally ended up hiding a box of matches in my room, lit one, blew it out and put it to my wrist. each time I got to my limit I would take it out on myself instead of proving my ex right. My ex left my High School but the words he left never stopped haunting my mind. I began to be more and more antisocial and never realized it until one day I was happy in one of my classes and got a surprised look because I was laughing. Each time I felt bad I would burn or if I got desperate, I would cut.  I’ve thought about suicide before, lots before but I would never go through with it because honestly I think its just exhausting thinking about it, not to mention to go through with it. I ended up telling my parents after a friend helped me realize how bad off I was and I’ve gotten help (and some meds but they arn’t working and I don’t like the doctor so I say I’m fine and I see a councilor but since its summer I haven’t see her. ) I’ve lost some bad friends on the way and the ones I have left mostly understand except for my best friend. This summer so far has been perfect so far, I have a new boyfriend who I am beginning to trust, a new Best friend who, for the most part, understands me and no family problems but…I sometimes feel like the world would be better off without me and I feel like I NEED to burn, almost like you need to itch a itch. you can ignore it for a wile but it never goes away. I tried talking to my best friend about wanting to burn and she freaked out. She told my friend who helped me get help in the first place and I feel like he’s just had enough with everything concerning me and wants me to leave him alone so I am and I feel terrible about getting him involved and ever telling him any of it since it just has stressed him out. I haven’t told my boyfriend because he does understand  feeling worthless and stuff, but he hasn’t ever hurt hims self before and I’m scared of his reaction and if he will dump me and run away. Every person I trust has turned me away and I don’t know what to do anymore and I found this place so I guess I just needed to be able to vent. If you read this, thanks you, if you skipped through this, its okay I don’t blame you. I just needed to let my story out.