I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. The fear of being alone seems to consume me. These girls who say they love me, they can’t be serious. How could they love me when they haven’t tried to know me. I’m not trying to lead them on. I’m just too nice to tell them what I really think. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I’ve been thinking about death again. But is death what I want currently? I don’t have the desire to sleep except when I wake up in the morning because sleeping is much easier than going through the day. Sometimes being told you’re worthless and be broken over and over makes it the only possible way to look at yourself. I try so hard to keep others happy that I forget about myself. I forget what I want. I feel ugly From the inside out. I fear I might start cutting again. I thought I was doing so well. My friends won’t be attending my school next year. I don’t want to be alone again. Everyone leaves. I just want someone to understand and know me. I want someone that I can have fun with but they’re there for me when I need them and I can be serious with them. It seems to be I hurt those I want to keep the closest. Should I just die? Could I just disappear? I got so confused I thought that I had feelings for my best friend Bryce. Was I just confused the feelings seem real but are they? Why do people purposely hurt others? Why do people spread rumors and physically  hurt others? I just don’t understand. Do I hurt others? I’m scared to see what other people think of me. I started this year in a new town at a new school. People I’ve never talked to before seem to hate me. What did I do wrong? Even singing seems pointless now. My best friend Ashlee left. I left my friend Justise. Kiera left me too. Bryce doesn’t need me around. I’m just an unwanted weight being carried around by those I love. I’ll go to school first term. I’ll have Bryce for a while, he’ll get annoyed though. He doesn’t need me so he’ll leave too. Then what? I’d like to say I’ll focus on school and get good grades, or I’ll make better friends. I know that won’t happen though. It hasn’t worked for me so far. I’m stuck. What do I do about those girls? How do I tell them I don’t like them without making them sad? How do I get Bryce to stay? How will I get Ashlee and Kiera to stay? Why does everything change for what seems to be the worst? I’m a monster. I’ve only done this to myself. What right do I have to think I deserve better?
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I felt the same way when I was about 20. Women were interested in me, but I wasn’t really excited about them, and I felt really bad because I felt like I was rejecting them. And the opposite was always true. The women who I was excited about were always into someone bigger, taller, richer, more athletic. But don’t give up hope. Life gets better !
A colleague of mine joined a online dating site and ended up going on a “coffee†date almost every day.
I asked her how she was able to handle the situation were one person was interested and the other was not.
She told me that at first it was difficult, that sometimes when the guy was interested and she wasn’t that she would felt obliged out of social kindness to go out a second even third time, which in the end caused her a great deal of distress.
When the tables were turned and she was interested and the guy wasn’t, she realised it was easier on her if the guy was up front about it. It hurt but was certainly better than the hurt that social “kindness†can inflict.
It turns out the fear of hurting someone can create a great deal of hurt.
My colleague eventually found someone and they are still very happy.
You are not a monster – not wanting to hurt anyone does not make you a monster, but being dishonest with your feelings can create the monster you fear.