I’ve read lots of posts here over the last two years..
It seems like there are a lot of failed attempts..
so, without any ill intentions on my part..
Do random things just go wrong or something?
I’ve always been too scared to try because I know myself..
I’m a VERY huge perfectionist.. not toward others, just things I do..
So I know very well that I will not fail if I try..
That’s why I’ve never tried because I still have a small small hope..
and as long as I still have that tiny hope(even if that same tiny hope
feels so hollow or totally gone some days), I won’t try it yet..
So am I being too conceited? Is failure just that easy?
6 comments
It can be difficult. That’s why I’ve chosen a fairly lethal way to do it. I couldn’t deal with a failed attempt.
okay I don’t think I could deal with that either..
Thank you for answering 🙂
I might have to rethink my idea of this now..
It is difficult because you are telling your brain to extinguish its own existence. The human body wants to live, it’s kinda a natural fact. If I might say so though, sometimes a tiny hope is all that is necessary to pull you through. I’ve been there, sometimes my life is full of, well, life, and on the inside I feel like there’s a jungle, so much going on that I can hardly think straight, but then it’s like a fire sweeps through and kills everything and there’s nothing there anymore. But I feel it, there’s a seed or something, insignificant, really; just like a small, unbreakable unburnable indestructible everlasting bit of *something* at the very core of my being, and as long as that’s there I know that eventually the jungle will grow back. Anyway, grab onto that hope, and turn that perfectionism to something that supports life, not eliminates it.
killing yourself is at odds with the emotional/spiritual/ethical implications of choosing to live. for example, getting a girlfriend/boyfriend, or losing an aunt or uncle, and your altering perspective on your life and the world you live it in are all things that affect your choice to live on an emotional level. spiritual and ethical decisions also impact your choice to live, even your emotional health when you live up to or fail to live up to one of these expectations. these aspects all affect one another.
so finally arriving at that point of killing yourself should *NEVER* be evaluated in terms of how ‘easy’ it is to do, rather, how sufficiently it will satisfy the goal of escaping everything and how valid a choice that is compared to life the way you want to live it and will be able to live it.
and it *IS* a choice. a choice to get up, breathe air, and do something (even if its panhandle for change). or a choice to disappear from it all.
Hang on to that hope. I am not sure I have anything but my existence to lose now. My contention is that if we had suicide clinics ala Dr Kavorican I wouldn’t be typing this right now I’d be dead. But working in the medical field I’ve met the guy who’s shotgun apparently didn’t rip off enough of his face. Or heard of the rare people who live from bridge jumps. This may sound morbid but if/when I decide to jump all of the years of bungee jumping off bridges will make it a bit too easy.
🙂
@Theonewhostayed
That’s an interesting way of looking at it.. I kind of like that
I usually do use my perfectionist side for the wrong reasons.. bad habits 🙁
@kcufhumanity
Oh, I only meant if failure when trying to suicide was easy..
I think I was being to conceited in my ability to finish it if/when the time comes..
but no, I hope it’s never an easy decision for me..
but when/if I do decide then I would like to know it’s going to be final..
@taco1818
I will try my best.. sometimes I can’t seem to, but most of the time I can..
That tiny hope is so vague, but it’s all I’ve had for the last 13 years..
and yeah.. (haha) I know I would have went to a clinic a long time ago if it was that easy.. so sometimes I’m glad it isn’t like that
(I can laugh because I have a horrible sense of humor thanks to being close to death/suicide.. not sure if that’s good.. )