First let me star off by saying that I am not planning on committing suicide right now. I just do not want to get to that point. I do not know how to express what I am feeling, but I will try to the best of my ability to describe it. I just feel lost, I do not want to do anything anymore. I do not want to move anymore, but I do not want to stay still. I want to live, but I do not want to keep trying to endure this suffering. I have a good family and great friends, just my views are different from theirs and everyone else’s so they cannot understand me. I have tried multiple hobbies but none of them entertain me anymore. The one thing that I truly love, nature, is kept away from me due to severe asthma and allergies. I recently graduated high school so I lost my laptop and with it the programs I used for graphic design which was one of my favorite hobbies. Most of my friends I’ve known since elementary school are going to different colleges. I also recently lost my job. I believe all of this has made this feeling worst and brought me to this point. I just do not know what to do anymore. I keep telling myself things will get better but it’s time for me to come back to reality. I also fail to see the purpose of life. Why am I even trying to endure all this time in a realm of death and hatred? I do not know what to do, I feel like I’ve reached the end of the line. I know what I should do to end all of this, but I’m fighting to find a reason not to. I’m sorry for rambling on so much, I’m just lost. If you read all of this gibberish I appreciate it. Thank you.
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Dear babelsgate,
It’s perfectly naturally to feel the way you do right now. I felt the same exact way when I left high school. All my friends went away and life started changing for me and I didn’t know how to cope. I was going to community college just making myself miserable and I too lost my job so I was accumulating debt. I was walking to a class one day at school and decided I had an epiphany. I turned around and headed to the library and hopped on a computer and decided to change my life. The only problem was where was I going to start. It took me about 10 minutes to come to a conclusion because if I would have waited any longer that fire inside me would have burned out so I decided to join the military, another problem arised. Did I want to get shot at and kill people? No. So I joined the coast guard. I wanted to save lives. I called a recruiter went home told my folks and within a few months I was shipping off to boot camp and it was very scary but something told me to keep going. I ended up getting stationed 3000 miles away from home and I can gladly say, I found my purpose in this life. The purpose we all look for, what you’re looking for. It’s not an easy road and you have to fight every single minute of every single day. Never give up hope. Hope is always the answer. Now am I saying go off and join the military? No. I’m just telling you that you’re not alone and that you can change your life with a simple decision. It just takes a little bit of courage which I know you have. And always remember, this realm has always been littered with death and hatred since man has inhabited the earth that is nothing new but you’re forgetting the beauty and peace this world has to offer. You just have to open up your eyes a little more to see the good things. The balance between good and evil. I hope you the best.
I appreciate the thoughtful reply. I want to become a graphic design artist as a career and that’s what I’m going to college for. I hope your right and I find something to keep me going. Also, good for you for joining the coast guard and thanks.