My Story

I’m 15 and sad. I know these dark thoughts are bad and I should get help but I honestly don’t want to depend on anyone for my weakness. I don’t know whether im depressed or just sad… all I know is that I feel empty and really dark all the time. I don’t remember when this all started and I don’t know when im getting better. I have self-harmed before and I still do. I remember the first time I took a blade to my wrist I was only 12. At an age like that I should have been happy and going out playing in the sun. I self-harmed for the first time because I felt way beyond worthless and stupid. At school that day I was bullied for the way I smelled and the way I looked, I over heard a guy (who was my crush) say that I smelled really bad and how could someone even sit next to me. I cried so much that day I went home and at night in the shower I took my razor and slashed to dashes on my wrist. It was bleeding a whole lot and I just cried some more. I never told my parents because we where experiencing trouble with money and I didn’t want to add to the equation of hardship. Days went on and my days went from dark to really dark from almost seeing the sunshine. I had some taste of happiness but there was never a period of time in which I truly felt happy. My cutting has gotten to a minimum but the suicidal thoughts are still there and they hurt more than ever. Sometimes I really want to tell my mom how I really feel but she already has so much stress and with 3 other siblings telling her about my problems isn’t really what she needs. I seem to feel more worthless each and every passing day. I have accumulated anxiety and I end up crying from the easiest things (and no its not just from my period) I get anxiety from test to getting uo in the morning just to get ready. I don’t know what else life has in for me but I just hope it gets better and I find my happiness. Thanks if you actually read all this.