drugs have taken my sanity my dignity my body…. my entire exsistence. I go against every principle i believe in and every line i wont cross. i push and push and push knowing the pain i’m causing knowing that i’m destroying every good thing in my life. i try to stay sober. i give it my all. but even when i’m sober i dont have a life. the only life i have is in the streets. i don’t know how to relate to anyone on any normal kind of level. i dont know how to react and handle stress any way other than using. its oathetic. even when i was sober i still didnt go to school didnt have any friends and didnt do shit with my life. sometimes i think the only way i will permanently stop smoking is if i permanently go to sleep. how long am i supposed to fight this losing battle before i give in? i cant enjoy getting high anymore its like torture. the minute i take a hit the voices in my  head start yelling and the paranoia begins. my insides shut down and i’m pissing shitting and puking on myself. i cant take it. i am tired of being humiliated of who i have become. i’d rather not be here then be here and causing hell to everyone and everthing around me. fuck.
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feel the same when i smoke weed. i used to enjoy it before, feeling a sort of mellow high that helped me deal with all this crap. now every time i smoke the paranoia kicks in and the voices start shouting. its fucked up , i feel your pain
its like some sick masochistic shit. every time i go a few days or weeks without smoking i get the idea in my head that smoking just one more time will be fun and ill enjoy it. but its starts back up right where it left off in every sense of the word. even though i know the voices are in my head sometimes if i’ve been up long enough and smoked out enough i cant tell if they are in my head or real. and then i’m paranoid that security or cops are coming because by then i’ve been up around the clock banging and walking and making noise so its reasonable to think that eventually someone might get pissed and make a call. i have the weirdest tweak. its like i get so high and so spooked that i need to take another hit just so i can tell myself the voices are from the hit i took. or when i’m convinced the cops are coming i decided to smoke my stuff as fast as [ossible so i dont get a drug charge if the cops come. which makes me that much more spooked. its torture. and embarrassing. yet i’m addicted to it. talk about twisted shit
Just curious but what are you addicted to?
crack cocaine. the devils drug. i’ve been into every hard core drug since my dad died when i was 17. they are the only thing i really know how to do. and be pathetic. sure sounds like a life worth living
Drugs no longer work for me. Weed lost its effect because I literally smoked 3-4 times a day for a long time. It used to make me forget and temporarily lifted my mood but the thoughts got stronger and seemed to increase when I smoked like depression on steroids.
im so glad the hit of crack that i took one time in a drunken stupor was a pathetic one and that I never ever touched it again. my mind still got fucked off the coke but crack is something I could never sink to. i cant imagine how much it messed with you when you do it as much as it sounds like you are… save your life and get help. get a counselor. talk to somebody. you can still make something of yourself and be what you’ve always dreamed of. Do it. Do it for me. Some random guy in Canada suffering for life because of heavy drug use. how old are you now?
IM 22. I went to rehab in california when I was 19 because I had been shooting up heroin and coke. Needles weren’t really my thing and even though I had never been to san fernando valley or southern California at all by myself I managed to get from the valley to skid row and smoked crack all night in one of the most dangerous neighborhoods. Ever since then I started doing anything to stay high. I ended up homeless and prostituting in south central LA living for crack. My entire life revolved around getting that next hit and staying alive. I’ve been pimped raped stabbed beat all in the name of getting high. Im from seattle originally and after 2 years of being a homeless crack ho I finally got back to Seattle. Things got a little better but instead of moving in with my mom and getting on track I ended up dating a dealer who I fell in love with. Our relationship is above and beyond just some drug shit and since being with him ive had my first periods of sobriety. The only issue is that I cant be around it at all if im going ti stay sober but I love him so much tha tg I put myself in situations that I know im going to keeo relapsing in. Shitty cycle to know what is keeping me stuck and still doing it anyways knowing that I am going to go crazy or die if I dont do something different