again. really

all the progress i made and for what? to end up in the same way worse mental state and all allone again. how many times am i supposed to go before i just give up? thatys all they think i’m capable of anyways. its all i know how to do. and the one thing that i need to change to possibbly have a chance a something better i am not willing to do.  he’s the only one to ever really love me and if es in the streets ill be right there with him. he said he was going to change and i dont want to believe that ive been dued again. my only friends are the 50 psychotic persecutory voices in my head. i try and do my best to  meet his needs. i guess in a twisted  way i do because he doesnt think  that i’ll ever be more than this. that suicide hag method takes wy to much time and energy. to pathetic to go still begging for that much attention which i wont ever get and clearly am not worth. but i got a car. and the money for a gun.  theres no point in saying anything to anyone because all it does is irritate tham. no body gives a fuck the pain i feel. people dont erven think i can do it right. i guess they’ll figure it out. after i see my mom and sis on the 15th. it bed time. i dont have anytinng left in me.