I love my wife and Kids, but I am as low as I have ever been. Â I lost my job, and this forces us to move to a new town. Â My wife resigned her job, my kids 7 and 5 will enter new schools and we will be on my salary alone. Â The pressure is killing me. Â I have never been so close to ending it all. Â I have a new job, I have a good new job, it’s hard for me to see it. Â I’ve been so low for so long. Â My kids bring me joy, that’s why i don’t end it all.
I feel like such a looser. Â I declared bankruptcy a while back, and now fired (resigned) from my teaching job. Â I feel such shame. Â I have a fear that I will be homeless and my wife will divorce me and take my kids to her parents. Â I own my truck, I can sleep in it I guess. Â I have family in California, I can move to be near them, or I can start swimming in the ocean as far as I can go, until I’m exhausted and not able to get back.
My wife should have left me. Â She threatened to, and I went to counseling and we decided to stay together. Â She agreed to stay with me, and I am a looser. I need to snap out of this shit and man up, but that is harder to do than say. My kids need me to man up.
15 comments
You’re no loser, life is is hard and so much pressure on the modern man. We all want to snap out of it and man up, but life is run at such speed nowadays its hard to keep up. Why is it all on you to provide, when your wife has left the job of her own accord?
She want to take time off to help the kids transition, but we are going to be tight financially, which always leads to more stress.
Did I mention, that on the day I lost my job, we had bought a house? We came to terms with the owners and suddenly our path took a major turn.
History has taught women to master the double-standard, and manipulation tactics, due to their typical lack of ability to impose their will through brute force.
In some ways, “we” (men) have taught them to be deceptive, conniving, and highly selective. We have taught them that manipulation is their only effective tool to counter our brute force and imposition of will.
Think of it as Yin vs. Yang. It’s the subdued, deceptive, elegant, finesse-based approach, which runs directly counter to the most appealing masculine traits, like dominance, aggression, physical strength, and boldness.
I like to say that arguing with a woman will make a master-debater of any man. In other words: even if you win, you lose… because the double-standards are established, embraced, and will be imposed upon you, regardless of whether it’s “right” or not. The only way to “win,” is if you both win, by you being what she wants. If you’re not what she wants, for whatever reason, even ridiculous or invalid reasons… then she wins by being able to just leave and find another one quite easily.
Or you get lucky and find a fragile codependent one, who can’t leave because she’s addicted and incompetent.
Do your best. Do all you can do. That’s all you can do. Hopefully it’s not just a game to her, and your efforts will result in a life you both can mutually appreciate. Try not to stress too much, or unnecessarily. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, drop everything and focus on what’s important, and try to keep yourself healthy, so that you can better withstand and cope with stress that can’t be avoided.
I love my wife, but I feel like it is predetermined that she will leave me when she decides I have hit rock bottom, and I feel like I am there.
That must be a terrible feeling.
And i know this won’t help much, but… anyone who abandons you in the midst of critical struggles, when you need them most, is not someone you should be pouring your life into.
Marriage is supposed to be meaningful enough that “for better or worse, in good times and in bad,” is supposed to actually matter. Whether it’s about “God” or not, the vows themselves should be meaningful and important to both people.
I would never want to be married to someone who i knew would just leave if i found myself in crisis. But the more i look at this world and the people inhabiting it, the more it seems like almost everyone would do exactly that.
Try to make the most of your time. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to continue motivating yourself in hopes of avoiding what feels like a predetermined outcome. Focus like a laser beam and do your best until you can’t, or until you make it, or until you’re sure the desired objective cannot be reached. If things don’t work out, it’s probably better to feel you did your best, than to feel like you could have done more, but will never have another chance.
I’m not sure where this came from, but:
“We only get what we can take, and we only keep what we can protect.”
Work hard to protect what you want to keep, or you’ll soon find it gone.
I am overwhelmed with grief, or morning for the loss of my comfort zone, where i knew my kids would be taken care of. I am scared for my kids. I love them so much, but I have no choice today but to move them away from what they know. Friends, schools, activities. I feel like I will never be good enough.
I will never complain about my life if this works, I love my kids. They need me.
coachdad, I feel so hypocritical trying to encourage you after what I just posted earlier… but wanted to tell you I get it. I am dealing with a little more of an internal breakdown than all the external stuff it sounds like you’re dealing with, but I get it about the kids. And they DO need you, just like mine need me. It’s what keeps me going and keeps me acting like a human being on days when I otherwise would just completely fall apart and self destruct. I don’t have anything to say about spouses, because my marriage is in quite a crisis right now, but I can say that there’s a good chance your wife would NOT leave you when you hit bottom. If she loves you at all, which it sounds like she does, it would go against her every instinct to abandon you when you are at your weakest. My love for my husband is solid, despite the ups and downs and pains of our relationship (and the fact that it might not work out in the long run), and because of that I know for a fact that I would never walk away from him if he ever needed me. Anyway. God bless, my friend, and I know how lonely we feel, but we can all use a reminder that there are lots of us out here, struggling in similar ways – it’s just that we can’t recognize each other because we’re all so damn good at hiding it.. 🙂
So true. Thanks GB.
okay so I guess I did have something to say about spouses.. ha
@ clevername.. liked what you said. Marriage means nothing to anyone anymore and people do divorce over the least little problems ..marry one day and divorce the next. Tell you they want to spend their life with you one day and then leave with someone else the next. When things get tough they run off. These days your taking a big risk getting married because almost no one stays married anymore. Marriage doesn’t mean much to many people these days.
@ coachdad , sorry your having these problems, and I hope you find a way through them. And you aren’t a looser, you are doing the best you can some people wouldn’t give a dam about their wife or their kids and sometimes some of us just have some really shitty luck.
Thank you, I am trying to keep my head up. I am living in the town where I was let go and I feel like I’ve been banished. I feel like I shamed my family. I have a chance to redeem myself in my new town. It is a new opportunity. I have these nightmares, that I am alone and poor. My uncle lives in Vegas, after his wife threw him out and he lost contact with his kids. They changed their last names to their mothers. Scary. Family first, shit, I feel desperate and scared.
Just hold on to your new job, and your wife knows there is financial problems so she either has to deal with that or get a job to, its her responsibility to. If money is such an issue to her she needs to get a job to. The kids don’t need her siting at home 24 hours a day when they are at school she needs to be working to help out, Specially if her main problem is money. And maybe its not other people who are thinking bad about you because you lost your job maybe its just you thinking and feeling bad about yourself for it? i know that’s a lot of what my problem is. Don’t feel bad about yourself your doing your best, you love your family and its not only your responsibility to support them you are doing your part she needs to get a job and do hers. I have kids to and i know they don’t need someone siting around at home all day doing nothing while they are in school. Then when the kids are home you can share responsibility taking care of them at home so that both help out equally.And i have 4 kids and i find it much harder to go out everyday an work for money than i do siting at home all day when they are in school watching tv till i feel like getting up an cleaning a little here and there.