I don’t know whats wrong, its like ive lost all motivation, i dont want to do anything, i dont care about anything, i feel like im just drifting through a world that doesnt accept me, and i dont know what to do.
July 2013
I’ve been feeling like leaving this planet for years. Suicide was always my only hope – the light at the end of the tunnel. That dream one day it would all be over.
But then I realised I don’t have the guts to go through with it. Living now with no exit route is the most painful existence.
I don’t really know what to say right now cause I don’t even know how to explain it. Basically I’m just more depressed than I’ve ever been and for the first time I don’t think its a matter of killing myself, but more just I have lost all hope and motivation to do anything. Which is completely not like me AT ALL. I’m in college now and it used to be the most important thing to me, getting my education and now it’s like I care but not enough to try anymore. My car broke down and I quit my job about 2 months ago. […]
Its 10 am .. And I still didn’t sleep.
To be honest, I’m really tired.
I’m tired of crying
I’m tired of yelling
I’m tired of pretending
I’m tired of being alone
I’m tired of being angry
I’m tired of being abused
I’m tired of feeling crazy
I’m tired of feeling stuck
I’m tired of needing help
I’m tired of missing things
I’m tired of missing people
I’m tired of being different
I’m tired of feeling worthless
I’m tired of feeling empty
I’m tired of dreaming about a life I will never have
But most of all,
I’m just tired of being tired.
I just wish my time is near.
Its been almost a year since I last posted here. I decided to get back on my feat and thankfully, I did. It was extremely hard to do tho. I went through drug/alcohol abuse for a fairly long time afterwards but Im fine now .. up until tonight. I started using cigarettes as a way to cope with my emotional pain. Anyway, I was smoking in the house tonight and forgot my ashtray in the bathroom. I still felt drained and depressed on most days but it was easier to cope with. My Dad (who also smokes) used my bathroom to wash his hands and […]
Maybe if we limited ourselves to 140 characters, like twitter limits a tweet, when we think about our problems we would be better able to get a handle on exactly what is the most pertinent problem facing us. I for one will consider way to many factors when I try to flesh out my problems.
For example:
“I am too anxious to go to school because I missed school the other day and my teachers will berate me. However, it is not my fault I have insomnia.”
This was actually part of the reason why I first tried to commit suicide. I did not quite understand it […]
I really don’t know what i am doing here today… feeling empty inside as usual.. dunno if i am here coz i want to die or coz i want to drive out the emptiness and start a new life… with all the existing things. I don’t even understand what I am saying, so i don’t expect anybody else to understand or help me out…. all of this is Karma, i guess… I had opportunities and choices and i ruined my life by passing up the opportunities and making the wrong choices again and again…
Is there a redemption for me? I don’t want to hear about […]
really angry and irritable for some reason. maybe it’s the heat. i am lonely yet i want to be alone. i am tired of talking. tired of being me. i have little patience for social niceties. i guess you would call that isolating myself. i am pretty good at that. i find myself lost in my head a lot these days. losing time. not paying attention to the here and now. seems like i am fading away. almost have myself convinced that my demise wouldn’t be a big deal. i wouldn’t be missed by too many people. there seems to be more times where i […]
I’ve been pretty unlucky in life. When I was a child I was raped. Then my sister and father left me and my mother. She started crying and drinking all the time and saying/doing fucked up stuff (like trying to stab me). A bunch of other stuff happened with religion and drugs and stuff that fucked me even more. Eventually I ended up with psychological problems including social anxiety, psychogenic pain and schizophrenia. In college I found a therapy that was very effective at treating these problems: schema therapy. It involved going back to childhood and fixing the problems at the source. As part of […]
I CAN’T TAKE LIFE ANYMORE, NOT AT ALL. I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DIE SO BAD, BECAUSE MY EMOTIONAL TRAUMA IS ALREADY KILLING ME. I FEEL A HOLE INSIDE OF ME, AND I CANT FILL IT. AND IS ALL MY FUCKING BROTHER’S FAULT. I WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN HAVING THESE THOUGHTS IN THE FIRST PLACE, IF HE DIDN’T MAKE ME. ALL OF THE TIMES HE INSULTED ME, HARMED ME, KILLED ME, IS TOO MUCH. HE IS THE REASON EVERYTHING SUCKS IN MY LIFE. MY PARENTS WOULD OF NEVER DIVORCED, I WOULD OF NEVER HAD A BROKEN MIND,  I WOULD BE MUCH MORE HAPPY, KIRIN WOULD STILL […]
Haven’t had one of those in a long time.
But here I am, right now, chest tight, heart racing, pulse pounding in my ears.
I actually went out on my porch and smoked a cig to try to clear my head. The smell of the gasoline in the nearby can for the lawnmower caught my attention and I gave a long thought to dumping it over my head and spinning the striker on my lighter.
It would be an amazing, astounding pain, but dammit, it might come to an end and I would have some relief.
I’m tired. I just want a quiet moment to wrap […]
Lately my life has went from bad to worse. Just when i thought it couldnt get worse of course it did. I have tried taking my life in several ways in the past but realize now things can definately get worse than they were back then. I cant control my emotions anymore. Everytime i get really upset all i can think about it harming myself… The main reason for all of this is because i just found out i had a miscarriage again. This is my second time of this happening but this time i didnt even know i was pregnant till it was to […]
How will you feel if every time you look in at your reflection you feel a little sick. If you hair can never become flat, and the only way you can have good hair is if you chuck up a bunch of cash…..what if .you hated your skin…..you hated your hair…and then …when you finally started to get over it, or thougth it was all in your head, your best friend started talking about what she wants in a. Guy and mention how she can’t possible date a black guy………what would you do if this happen this happen to yout?
It just hurts so fucking bad.
To think that people can change.
When it’s obvious they can’t. They never have.
I just keep hoping…
why do I hope? Why do I have hope in anyone or anything?
I just get let down.
I let people down.
I let myself down.
I fucking gave up on myself. I’m never good enough.
Never stable enough.
I just don’t know what to do
and everything is getting so much worse
it’s like the world is closing in around me
and I’m suffocating
I feel like I’m already dead
but my soul is being ripped apart.
And so badly […]
oh you noticed the cuts on my thigh and hip? you said i could talk to you? where were you when i cut everyday during class and soaked my shirt sleeves and agenda in blood? where were you when i was crying and having panic attacks everyday in class? you were sitting right next to me. you saw. you knew i wasnt ok. now that i look ok and im acting normal its safe to say youre there for me to talk to… yes i know it was out of kindness and i know that was the past but “in this bright future you cant […]
So today was kind of ok. Just hate this ups and downs. One day its like I am raving mad at everyone and everything and the next day I am on a high. Don know which is real. Can’t it be the same everyday. I remember writing an essay in school. The topic was life.I wrote about how life was like a ride on a coaster just goin up and down. Seems like I am on the ride.
Omg, like I’m mad paranoid. I’m paranoid to even be writing this right now. I feel like everyone is against me. Like my life is the Truman Show. I struggle and misery is my best friend, it’s like after awhile you enjoy the pain. A sort of frenzy begins to happen. I’m just really in a dark place. I feel like music is talking to me and sending me subliminals from my boyfriend. This happened before with someone else I cared for. It’s like I’m getting all these subliminals and signs from everything. I’m always freaking out and no one knows. No one […]
What’s the point of being alive if all I want is out? The lifeboats are leaving with or without me. What’s the point of falling in love? If I don’t love myself.
It was a Friday. I talked to a lady from sallie mae about my plans and she insisted on setting up a forbearance on my student loans and tried to talk me out of going through with killing myself. I was completely absorbed in this dark void of fucked up hurt, loneliness, rejection, guilt, self hatred… Absolute depression. I had pushed all of those feelings down into myself for so long that I completely lost my shit one day… Then, two months later, I was driving up where my phone wouldn’t work. Where it would be impossible to find me. I parked at a trailhead […]