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by Motion City

Hey, Im kind of new to this so probably wont explain myself very well. This is actually the first time Ive ever talked about this to anyone if this even counts. Anyways im not sure how I even ended up here I feel like im wasting who ever reads this’ time. I dont want pity I used to do a bit of counseling as a youth worker so I know all the lines like “life is potential death is that potential gone”, I know how to help others I just cant help myself. I dont want pity or sympathy just a logical reason and some advice. I guess you could say im looking for a Vulcan to talk to, no emotions just logic. Im 23 I cant remember ever not being depressed. Bullied all through school no real friends I cried pretty much everyday. I used to think as soon as I grew out of my spots or got a job so I could buy nice clothes or things id be happy. I got a job as a playworker my dream job still depressed. Went to uni made friends, amazing friends, still depressed, still alone. I grew out of my spots, have nice clothes, nice things, girls seem to like me, I like them, they terrify me. Ive had girlfriends before, Ive had plenty but Ive gotten worse recently, dropped out of uni, cant find work, self esteem plumets, no girl deserves me. Im a mess. How can I like someone when I dont like myself. Ive looked for work for two years. I find it unbareable I recieved a rejection letter from mcdonalds, they said I was overqualified. I didnt leave my room for a fortnight, no shower, no food, no friends just to pee. I used to be anorexic, Im a very logical person and realised thats stupid, doesnt solve anything and kicked it but im afraid its coming back.food is all I can control I know its stupid I know why I do it, I know it doesnt solve anything, it doesnt help, I still do it. Ive lost everything that was my, my essence has gone im just a person eating then sleeping then eating then sleeping. Draining money, food and life from the friends and family who help me out. I have nothing to give in return. The only reason im still here is because Ive been trying to think of a way to go without upsetting them. I think I may have found that way and this is where im at. My argument is; if all you are is a drain on of the life and happyness of the ones you love with nothing to give back, when no matter how hard you try you cant move forward, isnt logical to just end it and save them the hassle? Sorry I know that got quite dramatic and tl;dr. I would appreciate any thoughts tho, id love to see the potential thats supposedly there.

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RealTalk30 7/9/2013 - 1:36 am

Of course the answer is right in front of you. Your friends and family want to give you a fighting chance. They help cuz they want you to succeed. The least and best you can give in return is a commitment to keep fighting..and to one day return the favor. I’m a burden on my family too but all they care about is that I keep trying. Ill never be able to pay them back but I won’t give up either.

clevername 7/9/2013 - 1:53 am

The thing i find is that it’s not really about logic.

Logically, i should choose to end my miserable life.

But, as much as it pains me to admit, i am more than a bundle of logic.

I’m also a person. A body, a mind, a self-aware entity, who sees things that i still believe others need to know.

Still, my life just sucks so much, and i’m in such an unfavorable situation, with no accessible solutions… maybe i should just “bite the bullet” (hey look a pun) and do what i know is right, even though it’s not what i /really/ want, and would make a few people sad.

But do i really care that much about “the drain” on my environment? How can i possibly care that much about a world that dealt me such an unfairly shitty hand?

So really, it’s all about the fact that there are things i want that are still technically possible, if only implausible, and because i’ve been this person in this life in this body with this mind, for so long, i’m rather attached to myself.

The way you describe yourself makes you seem like a good candidate for any girl who wants a “project.” You seem “fixable.” (not to make it seem all about that, because for some it’s not)

Motion City 7/9/2013 - 2:07 am

Dude ive only been a member of this site for a few hours (another sleepless allnighter (arent all all nighters sleepless) ) but ive already seen the impact youre making on peoples lives. From what ive seen youre an amazingly smart and caring person whose quite hard on himself. Youre quite amazing from the little ive seen.

The thins about girlfriends is that im kind of an old school romantic. Ive been single for 2 years havent even kissed a girl not that saying i havent had oncomers its just i only get with girls i like and since ive gotten depressed i dont feel its right to get with anyone i actually like because im broken and its not fair on them and later down the road when they find out im broken theyll up and leave or ill get bucket loads of pity and sympathy neither options id enjoy very much. But its gotten to the point where im so lonely it physically hurts. Im stuck between a rock and a fuck ton of shit

clevername 7/9/2013 - 2:30 am

Thanks for the acknowledgement. I’m not perfect, and i don’t always have the right answers, but i feel like i should try. On the other hand, i often wonder if perhaps i should be saying what people want to hear, to comfort them… but i always feel sick when i catch someone doing that to me. As for being hard on myself… i suppose that’s about self-respect and molding myself into who or what i want to be, as much as a human can be shaped.

I’ve spent most of my life single. On one hand, i wish those years had been filled with meaningless flings, but on the other, it’s probably more trouble than it’s worth.

You seem to be afraid that the girls who seem to like you, are really only attracted to “the mask,” and like myself, you’re at least semi-certain that most of them would not like what they’d find, upon spending time to get to know “the real you.”

The only thing i can suggest about that is: you can’t really know for sure, all the time… and while you might be able to often accurately predict who would appreciate the real you, you’ll have to actually let them see it, to know for sure. I guess that means you’ll need some sort of mechanism to protect yourself from how it feels to discover that they can’t deal with what they find inside. There’s no harm in letting them look. But i know it hurts bad, when you only allow those you really want to like what they find, to even look. If you think you need to be alone for a while longer, and are practicing that principle, then good. You’re probably right. No one knows you better than yourself.

However, on some level, i think most people are, or have been “broken.” Most people have scars and lasting damage. I don’t think it’s particularly unfair to anyone, to allow them to appreciate a person who may or may not be broken, or might be in somewhat worse condition than their previous peak. But i do see that there seems to be an unfair expectation in “society” for people to be “perfect” or “undamaged” or whatever fantastical ways people are taught to expect things to be.

Maybe you just need to wait for someone who “gets” reality. Or maybe you don’t have to wait. Maybe just take life as it comes and enjoy what you find, even if it’s not something you get to keep.

clevername 7/9/2013 - 10:50 am

I just re-read this again, and had some thoughts… but i’m having a sleepless night/morning, and feeling pretty scattered right now.

A while ago, i wanted to mention that you should look up some of ‘letmesleep’s posts. He’s no longer with us, but many of his words remain on the site, and i just can’t help but be blown-away, each time i read the comments he left. I’m not sure there’s a reliable way to find them all. You may have to sort of figure out time range of his presence, and sort of flip through the pages. If anyone was deserving of the term “amazing,” it was him. There are a few others still around, who might have sharp insights.

I also wanted to mention:

“…no girl deserves me. Im a mess. How can I like someone when I dont like myself.”

I honestly don’t think any of this has anything to do with what anyone “deserves.”

Who “deserves” what? Who decides?

And if you look around at the world… how many people really get what they deserve? I think the percentage is quite low. Most get either way more, or way less, than what they “deserve.” I don’t believe in karma. I think it would be nice if it were real, and often, people unwittingly provoke fitting consequences for themselves, and poetic justice does naturally occur, sometimes… but “karma” is just taking it too far. I believe that if you want something done right, you do it yourself.

I don’t think that “if i don’t do it, someone else will…” (unless it’s one of those things that actually works that way). I think… if i don’t do it, it probably will never happen. I have to make things happen, or they won’t happen, because i’m not like everyone else, and most of the rest of the world doesn’t want what i want, or value what i value. So i can’t just “have faith in humanity,” because the evidence suggests that most of them will oppose me, or at least do something other than what i would do, or have done.

It is certainly entirely possible to like someone else, despite not being happy with yourself. Otherwise, people who can’t change undesirable or inferior parts of themselves, would not like anyone, and would not mind being avoided, shunned, and deprived of affection, due to being seen as “not deserving” to be with someone appealing to them. Lots of people “like” someone else, even knowing that they, themselves, are probably not “good enough” for that person.

It actually doesn’t “take one, to know one.” Some are capable of knowing one without actually being one. There’s a lot of grey area out there.

I’ve felt that sort of “my essence is gone” feeling. It’s like you’re totally mystified, dumbfounded, in slow-motion, while the world whips by at 4x speed. The urge to say “i’m not me…?”

But you are. I think it’s related to realizing that you are not your things, or your job, or your accomplishments. It’s not the accomplishments themselves that is so rewarding, but the actual act of accomplishing. It’s the experience of the thing, while you’re living it and doing it, more than the memory of having done so, afterward.

Life… is like… riding a nexus at the intersection of matter and energy, consciously, through linear time.

Motion City 7/9/2013 - 12:20 pm

Thanks mand your words really mean alot . I certainly dont feel like topping myself atm but that comes and goes. Ill be having a good day, yesterday was actually a really good day for me (i managed a 25 mile walk im preparation for a 100km walk me and a friend are soon to be doing in Belgium.) Then out of the blue for no reason cant sleep (still havent slept in like 56 hours) and i get super down.

Youve really helped tho and i truly appreciate it.

Also this site has helped me. Other people allowing me to help them does wonders for me. As Dawkins says Altruism is a really quite selfish when it boils down to it. I only help people because it feels good to me. It does help tho.

Motion City 7/9/2013 - 12:24 pm

I still need some work with girls tho its been 2 years. By they dont deserve it i didnt mean like cosmically or anything. It was more in the sense of hmm Im trying to find a non offensive Analogy.

I wouldnt want to cause any upset or hassle for anyone i like. Its the reason i cant open up about this stuff to friends and family. If i can get by without burdening them I will. If i was with a girl i couldnt hide something like this idt be dishonest but I couldnt burden them with it either.

I wouldnt drink alcohol around a T-total ex alcoholic. Its that kind of thinking.

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