Every day, I see beautiful people around me. People with straight, pearly white teeth. People with skin as soft as satin and blemish free. They have everything in their hands, and they know it. Even I have to admit that beautiful people have the upper hand in life, because, hell, who doesn’t like looking at a pretty face?
My skin is disgusting compared to theirs. It’s spotted with scars. Trust me, scabies and a skin picking problem do not go well together. Now the scabies are gone, but the scars and scabs have been there for two years.
It’s almost as if God has decided that I will remain untouchable. Untouchable as in revolting. But I know that God wouldn’t do that. Everything he makes is perfect. We are the ones that destroy ourselves; and the way we see ourselves is also destroyed. I guess I destroyed myself. I destroyed my skin, my teeth, my waist, my body weight. I even destroyed my soul.
But today I decided to look at myself in the mirror and pick one thing that I liked about myself, something that my therapist used to tell me to do. I didn’t see anything. To be honest, in my eyes, my image is rotten, and bitter, and sluggish. And then I thought, “Hey, you know what’s beautiful? Your voice.” I didn’t care if I sounded conceited, I was just relieved when I found at least a trace of beauty in me. On my good days, I think positively about my singing voice, and sometimes I even find it beautiful.
And for now, I will hang on to that beautiful thing that is mine, the only thing that helps me escape from my self-pity. I’ll hang on to that thing as if it were a life jacket, keeping me afloat, and barely saving me from drowning in the sea of my flaws and mistakes. I will hold on to it, until it punctures because of the thorns that envelop my heart, and drags me back into reality, because I will realize that that beautiful thing was a lie, an illusion.
I am not beautiful at all.
9 comments
COOL post . very talented…
Hey. I’m sure that you are beautiful, but you just can’t see it. If you are a girl, you can try wearing makeup for the scars, as well.
I feel like you most of the time, but sometimes people tell me that they think I’m attractive. So, a lot of the time we only see the worst in ourselves, while others can see the best.
* you can even wear makeup if you’re a guy. Why not. Actors do.
Work on what you have,there has to be something good about you and make that shine
Great post IM. Whether or not you’re a pretty person, I think you’ve got the right idea. Even pretty people will eventually lose their looks, but your voice can stay with you til the end. I’m reminded of a famous Indian singer (forgot her name) who recently died, like 90 yrs old. Til the day she died she sounded like she was 25. I never saw her picture and I don’t need to. Thank you for posting this 🙂
cyanides of march : is she the indian singer you were refering to??
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._S._Subbulakshmi
she had an amazing voice..
@stb Yes!! Thank you!
Thanks for the support guys! And thanks to you all for taking the time to read this 🙂
Have you considered taking your writing and condensing it into poetry or poetic prose? I used to do this. It allows you to see what is eating at you from the inside as an external object. I might very likely define beauty based on those who create beautiful things.
Just a quick example:
It’s almost as if God decided I will be untouchable,
Revolting.
But we are the ones that destroy ourselves
Because of the way we see ourselves.
I destroy my skin,
My teeth,
My body.
Even my soul.
But I looked in the mirror
And I thought,
“Hey, you know what’s beautiful?
Your voice.â€
I hang on to this beautiful thing of mine,
The only thing that helps me escape from self-pity.
I hang on to this life jacket, keeping me afloat,
Barely saving me from drowning.
I will hold onto it until it punctures
As thorns envelop my heart,
And drag me back into my reality
That the beautiful thing was a lie.
I am not beautiful at all.