i have always been depressed, always have had more bad days than good. for a long time i though if i could change something, just get away. things would be better elsewhere. ive now been to 9 states and 5 countries and can never escape the sadness. the only thing stopping me from ending it now is the love of friends and family. now i feel i must run away, not to feel better but to  get far enough away where i can be free enough to do what i need to be truly happy. to die
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There is never a day that goes by when I don’t think about death. I feel good when I’m preoccupied with something I enjoy, then, I’ll be reminded of something and quickly become hollow inside. My mind will dwell on it for a little while then I’ll become preoccupied with something else until that sick feeling returns. I found that I didn’t dwell as much when I was on Taliskers. Vodka’s ok too. Sometimes I feel nauseous if I drink too much, other times it’s not the drink. Every day, forever. So, everything around me seems to fall apart, I’m disintegrating and yet, I don’t feel that killing myself would be the right thing to do at this moment in time, it might not ever be the right thing to do. I don’t want to live but I understand what will happen if I don’t. I anticipate that in time, the circumstances keeping me around will be less influential than they are now and in the absence of any improvement in my situation.
I hang around here sometimes because it’s like an apartment building. You don’t necessarily know everyone there; you don’t always say hello. Some neighbours are noisier than others but you always know someone is there, in the next room and they want to die as much as you do.
This is why I don’t care for travel. What is there to gain if you have lost your senses? Right now I’m trying to create as much distance as I can figuratively and literally from the people who care about me because I know that when I do this I want to be forgotten, missing. I don’t want the state thugs handling my remains, I don’t want people’s last memories of me to always be “just x days before he passed”. Take me away death dealer, and let die with me all the sorrows of the world.