everywhere looks the same through depressed eyes

There is never a day that goes by when I don’t think about death. I feel good when I’m preoccupied with something I enjoy, then, I’ll be reminded of something and quickly become hollow inside. My mind will dwell on it for a little while then I’ll become preoccupied with something else until that sick feeling returns. I found that I didn’t dwell as much when I was on Taliskers. Vodka’s ok too. Sometimes I feel nauseous if I drink too much, other times it’s not the drink. Every day, forever. So, everything around me seems to fall apart, I’m disintegrating and yet, I don’t feel that killing myself would be the right thing to do at this moment in time, it might not ever be the right thing to do. I don’t want to live but I understand what will happen if I don’t. I anticipate that in time, the circumstances keeping me around will be less influential than they are now and in the absence of any improvement in my situation.

I hang around here sometimes because it’s like an apartment building. You don’t necessarily know everyone there; you don’t always say hello. Some neighbours are noisier than others but you always know someone is there, in the next room and they want to die as much as you do.