I’m writing this because i want to get my story out.
I don’t want anyone’s sympathy or help, I want my story out so if something ever happens to me, at least my story is public and people know why I did it.
As a first thing I’d like to make note of the fact that I do NOT want to kill myself! It just seems like the only way out of my misery. And it’s been that way for quite a while already.
At first i laughed at myself for having a quickly fading suicide moment. (wich smart and sane person wouldn’t?) but after a few years, well, those toughts fill my head and nothing else.
but anyways, let’s not get ahead of my life’s story. I’ve been troubled as a child and everything only got worse after.
Let me start off by saying I live in Belgium, a country said to be one of the richest on the planet (albeit next to one or two, the smallest too). Living here should be heaven.
Now let me tell you that is not true. This is a country where power means everything. And that power gets abused all the time without any consequences.
It started all the way back in kindergarten (yes, that far back).
I lived with my family (my parents, and 2 sisters) in a small rural town. And i went to kindergarten in that same rural town.
I admit that I wasn’t the easiest child (i’ve played with matches, those small firecrackers and alike). And at first i got into some small trouble in my school. Got punished because of that, all fair and square. (really, if I did something, I’d take the blame, and I would admit I did it)
now, all good and well, untill one of the teachers little kids noticed she (yes, she) could do pretty much anything and then say I did it. I don’t need to clarify that her damned m0m believed her every time. Instead of me (who has always been pretty honest)
So basically in a short while I became the black sheep of that school. And while writing this a lot of bad memories return.
Some of the worst stuff I remember is a few kids chewing on their bread during lunch, and then spitting it into a garbage can. They all stood together and guess who was forced to eat prechewed bread out of a trash can by said teacher? (yes, that’s illegal, but people with power, namely cops, believe people with power instead of a (said by that teacher) lying 6 year old.)
a few months later we got a letter home asking for payment for a small craft project. Me and my 2 sisters all 3 got that letter. I remember my sisters saying to my parents that I wouldn’t come home with that said craftspiece. My parents laughed it away.
You should’ve seen their rage when the day after they came to pick me up, and I was the only one leaving the gate without my craftspiece.
So my parents went to the directors of the school. (yes, the higher power… there is that word again) and pretty much flew in a rage.
Now I’ll shorten this bit and just say that that turned out with me being the one to blame for everything that’s happend (yes those guys listen to to those lying teachers)
Anyway those techers diagnosed me as a severe case of ADD/ADHD, wich is NOT and never has had any truth to it. They just had the power to do it and make the rest of my schoolgoing life a living hell.
I was glad my parents pulled me from that place and sent me to school in the next town. I was about 8-9 years old at this time.
Never had any friend before this, as they all used me as a black sheep, I’ve been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD because of them AND everything I have written before is still burned so freshly in my memory it hurts.
I still remember the face of the one teacher who listened and understood me. (and she was known to be the school’s b*tch, but defo not on my terms, she was a fair woman who I still respect now). If i could remember her name I’d drive by her house and give her a box of chocolates.
But I’m afraid the damage had already been done by then. I didn’t have any morale left… I didn’t know what was right or wrong, since i was used to getting punished for doing nothing wrong at all.
That has given me multiple problems in the second school I went too. But there, life got Â little better and they only punished me when I did sth wrong. It was all fair and square again. I never had anything injust happen to me there.
But alas, I only had 3 years in that school left. And off to middle grade school for me. I was about 11-12 at this point.
Both of my sisters were a few years older than me, and they were sent to a school where paper pushers come from. My exact course was science-mathematics. I hated it.
I only did it for a year, but I could never focus during class, it just wasn’t my thing. Anyway, the year after, a new school for me, wich lied in my ability some more. That second year I followed mechanics-electricity.
Now the problem with that school is that I have a nephew, who went there. And he wasn’t holy! And he carried the same last name as me.
Now guess what, one of the few persons that held a grudge against my nephew was assigned as monitor for my class. Guess what they do. Yes they evaluate every persons personality and put it on file for the higher power to be able to read what a person I am.
Now in that specific file there is also noted that I (should have) a severe case of ADD/ADHD. And it was back to being black sheep for me. Hell, when people I didn’t even know fought, I got the blame!
I have only done one thing that I shouldn’t have done there and I’ll be honest about it. When a guy was trying to floor me on the stairs by pushing my foot every time i took a step, I turned around and punched him in the eye.
I still remember writing about 150 pages (yes 150 pages! (one side of a A4 paper is what I call a page) as my punishment. I remember doing 3 days of nothing but writing the same sentence over and over and over again.
That’s where i started to hate everyone with higher authority and actually even going against them. (they flunked me that year because of that, not my grades)I hit puberty.
And that’s where it gets weird. Most people in puberty become obnoxious, irritating and impulsive. I didn’t. But that has a whole different reason.
After spending a year at that hellhole of a school I decided that I wanted to go to another school.
At this school I had found my place. The teachers were all honest (there were some that weren’t but I never got any class from them). The course i was following was electricity, and I have finished that one with A grades. Start to end.
It was at this school I made my very first real friends. The same ones I’ll be getting back to at the end of this huge block of text. It was this very school that gave me the 4 best years of my life.
Every thing that happend there went smoothly. And yes I graduated w/o a problem. I worked ever since i was 16 in a tavern, first a dishwasher, then as a waitor. Stopped there after my graduation
Now i did start smoking marijuana when I was about 16 years old. It made the boring parts less boring, and fun parts more fun. And hey, there’s no harm done in a joint now and then, right? (I’ll get back on that later)
After graduation I have worked for 3 months installing solar panels on roofs. It paid well, but it wasn’t my thing. As my achilles heel is too short. (getting them extended means lying down for 6 months and learning to walk again, no thank you)
With the money i earned there I got myself a car and my iPhone. (And quite some to spare for living). After that I didn’t work for over a year. Yes, I did the occasional job for people i know. But that only earned me some pocket money.
Now to get back to that smoking MJ, I still smoked at this point. And yes, if a friend asked me to bring some along when i went to see my dealer, I did. It was never much, but i made the mistake of doing that.
Why is that a mistake you ask? Well, let me explain.
After about a full year sitting at home i decided it was time to sollicit for a new job. And so I did. I did some job interviews where I got turned down pretty badly. (I expected that, I sat at home for a year) When I got a job interview at a company that installs security cameras and alike.
Now for a job like that you need to do a screening to see if you can be trusted with systems like those. (not that they are hard to shut down anyway, but that’s another story and a job secret)
After the interview they said I’d be contacted for my screening. So I was glad at that time thinking I had chance of getting that job.
Karma would just so happen to have it that a few days later I get a morning call (yes very early, and on a saturday) to come over for a little talk.
I just knew it was my job screening. So I woke up, did the bathroom stuff and rode off towards the police station. (without having breakfast or anything).
As i enetered the police station they took me to a hearing room in the back (you know, the kind with the see-through mirrors with cameras behind them) and I got told I prolly knew exactely why I was there.
My response to that is pretty obvious, I said yes. And this is the moment where all that turned to shits.
He said it had nothin to do with some lame job screening. I would’ve sold half a kilo of MJ to an ex-mate who I haven’t seen in a few years. He got busted and pointed to me.
After the doofus said that, I was arrested. Time for a hearing with the cop that types with 2 fingers. Long story short. My iPhone got impounded there, and they got a warrant to search my house.
Now in my house i had some things I wasn’t allowed to have, I had 2 guns wich my grandfather gave me. None of them both worked, I can assure you that. The barrels were welded shut.
But we have a law, no guns unless the country has made them un-fireable and typed out a reciept for that. I didn’t have that damn receipt, since they did it themselves after world war II.
I also had a single cannabis plant in the yard in the back. So after they came back from their search (mind you, the only person that was home at that time was my grandmother who had guests at that specific time)
a couple of squad cars drive onto the premise and start looking through the place like they owned it. Anyways, they found the 2 guns, one of wich was a russian Mosin Garant with the date 1945 stamped on it and the USSR logo (there is no denying what gun it was) and a 9mm versta (wich is a browning knockoff from spain)
They found my single MJ plant, and they took it, and they found some weed. (about 3-5grams IRL)
While the search was going on I was still sitting in the police station, just waiting. (mind you I’ve been woken at 7AM and it’s about 2PM now, wasn’t allowed anything to drink, wasn’t allowed anything to eat, let alone smoke)
Anyways, the guys from the search get back with everything they found. And guess what the guy that’s interviewing me decides. That I am a dangerous drug dealer with guns.
Anyways, those cops have to fill out forms with everything they find. And I had to sign it. On that form it said i had 35 grams of cannabis (any less and they can’t make you anything),
an italian mauser longrifle (yes that would’ve been the mosin) wich was apparantely fireing ready (yeah right,… there’s lead in the barrel) and a browning 1911. (the vesta couldn’t be taken apart as it was a single use gun, and the metal was very obviously tired, tho no lead in the barrel), It’s just designed after the browning.
Anyway, I had to sign it or face jail time. (yes, that’s intimidation and that is also illegal, but cops have power, so cops are always right in this country). So I signed it.
And now guess… yes indeed I got a one way ticket to jail. Mind you it was about 5PM now, still haven’t eaten or drank a single thing all day)
now before they put you in jail, you have to do the entire hearing again, only this time, someone else was typing everything I said in the background. so after this hearing it’s about 7PM.
And it’s off to jail for this guy for real this time. At this time it was about 7PM(still haven’t eaten or drank a single thing).
When you get placed into jail, the money you have on your person gets deposited onto your jail bank-account. But in this case, they impounded my money as it could be drug money (all I had was 120euros, mayor load of drug money, don’t u think?)
So there I was, in jail. Normally you get the right to call one number for free to let people know where you are. Anyway my cell got impounded and I didn’t know any numbers out of my head. And the cops refused to give me those (yes that’s illegal too, but hey, who am I, right?)
So I lost the right to my phone call.
So I get taken to my cell, the door opens and i see a single person sitting there. It was an italian. He didn’t speak any of the languages I know (this country speaks 3 languages, and so do I), only italian. So after a few days i got to know he was there for armed robbery and rape. Way to go dumb f*cking cops placing a 20 year old w/o a real felony with people lika that, behind closed doors w/o any real supervision. We had a button to push in case tehre were problems, after pushinbg that button it took about 20mins for them to come see what’s wrong.
Anyway, there I was in my jail cell, not knowin what would happen to me, didn’t eat yet, didn’t drink yet.
So I pushed that damn button to ask for some food. The answer I get is that in jail food gets server at 5PM, either you are standing at the door of the cell and get food, or you don’t have anything.
It was about 8PM when I asked them for something to eat, and all I got was a NO. (yes that’s illegal too, not allowing a person to eat, it’s against human rights ffs! But hey, maybe I’m not human?)
So anyways, after five days in jail i was sent to the court to stand in front of a judge and some other goons that decide how to fubar ur life. They decided I didn’t have to be in jail (No shit sherlock, you guys need 5 days to decide that?)
After getting out i got some conditions I must value in order to stay a free man.
1) I must stay living in my current place of residence)
2) no smking MJ (or doing any drugs, but I don’t do drugs except my reefer)
3) get a job (hey I was doing that, but as an ex-convict you just made it a whole lotta harder on me) and keep it!
4) no interaction with any persons that uses drugs (that includes all of my friends and one of my sisters)
5) do urine tests on occasion (wich I have to pay for myself)
6)go and see a juristical assistent, who continues to make a file about my personality… (I hate getting put in a characteristical drawer)
If i break any of these conditions it’s back to jail for me. Thus they make me have no life.
Now because of those conditions, wich I got at the age of 20, or so I tought. If that were so, I’d be rid of them next year. But no, the damn goverment dragged that thing out for a year, so there we have a year of being nice according to their rules and having no life, for no reason whatsoever. I never got a date when they started, or when they will end, It’s all at their leisure.
I wish I had that kind of power for just one day… A smart person could do a lot of good for the country with such power, but abusing it is prolly just way easier.
I got a job a few months after being released. And you guys have no idea how many jobs I sollicited for.
I’m now working as an electrician in a small company. I get paid way less then I should get for my skills and my payment is always a few months late.
In the beginning this was not a problem. But with that entire court thing I had to get a loire, wich costed me a fortune (wich i could barely manage to work around)
and my paycheck wasn’t cutting it. As I needed another car since some old lady had totalled mine by driving in the rear while i was standing still.
I did manage to scrape by the money and I bought the car I still own to this day. It’s pretty much the only posession I have.
Now when I had that car for about 3-4 months some idiot in a golf cuts a corner right in front of me wich forced me to hit the curb,.. and HARD.
That hit made a bend in my rear axle and tore 2 rims to shreds. There I was, no car, no money, and still needing to get to my job or face jail time.
Got that car to a garage where I could get it fixed up. They used all 2nd hand parts and the labour was very cheap for a garage, they lived along with me. Yet the final bill was still 2500euros. Quite a bugger for someone without money and a bad paying job. (I work 9-10hrs a day, 5 days a week, and i get 1400euros for it. And the expenses still have to come from that. It’s 450-500euros to pay for the gasoline to get to my job, yes taxes are THAT high here)
thus I had 900euros a month to live from, and pay those kinds of bills. And then a few weeks later…
There are 2 letters on the table adressed to me. one is my road tax 560euros, the other my insurance yet another 520 euros.
and that brings me at 3500euros with 900euros a month (and I still need to buy food and drinks with that)
As some time went by I paid parts of all those bills, as fast as I could possibly manage. But it was not fast enough to everyones liking. So they all started to send the rest of the bills to a company wich uses loires and stuff to get the money from you. And you and I both know they don’t work for free. Let me tell you this, they even calculate their interest daily. My interests are risin faster than I can pay off those bills.
Anyway, that all about a year back now. A year of nothing but black snow, but hey, I could eat, drink, and smoke my cigarette (no more joints at this point). So all in all it wasn’t that bad.
Now he are a year later. Next month I should be able to make the last payment of 200euros. All the rest is taken care of (yet that insurance and road tax is about to come by any week now)
but anyways, by not having any spare money ever, the car didn’t get the maintenance it needs. I had a flat tyre that couldn’t be fixed, and without the money to buy 2 new tires,… well I borrowed some rims from a person I know, On the condition that he gets them back with new tyres (and those cost 260euros a pop).
I drive around with 2 front tyres that won’t fit my car and drag in every corner you could possibly imagine. Well I have driven around with,… better said.
Somewhere in between that i got some bills for being taken to jail (that costs you personally 40euros/day)
last week the car (due to never getting new oil, plugs, filters etcetc) died. Engine failure. Wich means another total loss. Now My bank account is at 0.00 for a few weeks already.
I’ve lived of tap water for about 2 months now, since I just can’t pay for anything else… I’d love to drink some ice-tea, its my fav. And if I can eat once every two days, hey I’m happy too.
now due to the economical crisis there isn’t enough work at the company I work at. So I get paid by the the country. Now let’s just say the country is broke and I never see a penny I have the right too on days I don’t work cuz there is none.
Yet the country, being broke needs money badly. All taxes go up (yes gasoline too), and once a year we get a personal tax form. Wich you have to fill in and they calculate how much extra you have to pay that year.
Now I know that in october I have to pay 800euros to my country. And those letters say it’s to be paid withing 14 days or you face court trails. (guess who pays for those)
there is NO way I can now amass that kind of money by doing my job. I just can’t. Yet I’m not allowed to stop working there or anything.
Now and then one of the few friends I had (and yes I still have 2 friends) come over and bring along a joint.
And this is the time i’ll admit that I won’t pass up the opportunity to smoke it, as it makes the days pass by faster.
Days filled with sitting in my room, getting bitched at by my mom for not doing enough around the house (last week I fixed the roof cuz it was leaking, removed a stone built table and placed some new light fixtures where they were broken)
A few months ago I also helped a person do an online order for quite some money. He was working on a personal project. I’d told him to start smaller in case it failed, but no, he had to go all out from the start. Long story short, he got the stuffs he ordered, used it, failed.
And now I am the person responsible for this in the guy’s eyes. He wants me to pay it back. I can’t and I won’t
I’ve been broke now for over 3 months, and I mean broke. I can’t even afford to eat/drink anymore. I am getting physically weak because of it. I will lose my job because I can’t get there anymore. So no more income from me.
By losing my job I’m facing jail time again. and after that this cycle repeats (you don’t get out of jail w/o those conditions)
During these last months the only thing on my mind is how I don’t want to be here anymore. How life sucks, And thoughts of how to fix the situation I am in.
Yet every day someone or something just adds another shovel of dirt to the heap.
I’ve hit rock bottom and I know that during the forthcoming months it will only get worse. The only good news for me is that by the way i’m living lately, there really is a chance I might not wake up one day. One of my personal greatest dreams (oh the irony)
That or I’ll get tossed in jail. And with my mental status right now,… That’ll only bring my demise faster.