I’ve thought about taking my life so many times. I know some say it’s the cowards way out and that someone always has it worse than me – Truth is, I’m just so fed up. I’m exhausted. It’s like things are so bad I just don’t even feel like getting out of bed. I have great friends but I just have so many emotional issues that even hanging out with them seems like a chore.
I was sexually molested and abused continuously when I was young. I didn’t even know to tell or what to do. My mom found out because there was blood in my underwear. And because of that I have problems with people touching me or getting close to me.
I always had problems making friends in school. They called me ugly, gay and ******. When I was in 7th grade some kids broke into my house through our sliding door and messed up the house and my stepdad beat me up. He punched me in my face and in my stomach and back and other places while cursing me out. He then called the police and they arrested him and took me to the another police car. I had to sit at the police station until my mom got home from work. I was laughing stock of the school. A CPS agent came and took pictures of my bruises. It was embarrassing. I moved away for a year and then came back home and soon after my stepdad accused my mom and I of having sex. He claimed he actually saw us. That really hurt me and I became much more withdrawn and I turned to alcohol to ease my pain. One time my mom got mad and turned over all the furniture, broke the TV, some plates and the christmas tree leaving broken ornaments and glass on the floor for a week. One day my stepdad threatened to get his gun and kill us and said he had a dream he called me over to visit, shot me, then shot my mom then shot himself. This went on for years until I finally moved out but everytime I’d go home to visit my mom he’d say the same thing. I was verry worried for my mom all the time. Then next thing I know my family is accusing me of sleeping with my cousin. I wrecked my car and she let me use hers since we worked at the same job and my family’s first impression is I’m sleeping with her. At the time I was still a virgin and hadn’t been with anyone ever unless you count the molesting. I’m just so exhausted and it’s no matter what I do, the people I love continue to hurt me. My dad never made an attempt to see me, contact me, visit me or anything. The last time I talked to him was because he called to speak with my mom about cutting off the child support. Then he up and died and I never got a chance to meet him. On top of all of that, I have gynecomastia thats very painful. A doctor confirmed I have to get the surgery or do hormones because it’s breast tissue. I can’t exercise it away. Unfortunately, even though I told the insurance company and my doctor confirmed that not only is physical but also emotionally painful, they still wouldn’t cover the surgery so I just have to live with my chest hurting and being chaffed, raw and red unless I can come up with $6500. I just can’t deal with it all. I think about just ending it all because those scars are there and they hurt 🙁 I just don’t know what to do. Somedays im ok, then other days im down, but then other days I’m ready to crash my car into a tree or OD on pills. I just want to stop hurting. That’s all. I don’t like people to touch me, I don’t like others to touch me. It’s messing up my personal life. I can’t date anyone bc i get into moods where I don’t want to talk or be around anyone. I just want to be normal. :”'(
9 comments
Hey rafaelgarcia! I just want to tell you that I’m just like you. I can’t stand people touching me, hugging me or sometimes even looking at me for more than 2 seconds. I was sexually abused for 16 years (not raped cause i fought him a million times. but well, he my “stepdad” made me go thru horrible things. Touching me in my sleep, forcing me to take my clothes off and a lot more…). And no one believed in me. I lived in hell and I still do, since I have so many scars of what he did to me. I have sleeping problems, cause I’m afraid of sleeping, afraid of what may happen to me. I only take naps, thats all. Im still a virgin and I dont feel like I can have a normal sex life, at least for now, cause I’m too afraid and too shy.
Anyway.
<3
I wish I could do something for you two; if all that is true, if you really are strong enough and at that point that you just need to post that and tell the world; I truly wish I could do anything to help with that, to help you feel a little more “normal”. It brought tears down my cheeks to read what you have, and still do go through. By all accounts, I’m normal; never been through anything NEARLY as bad as you two, I should not feel bad about life and think about killing myself, I should be spending time trying to help people who really need it. I hope you find a way. <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFOtX3VkG88 please listen, this song always makes me feel better. I usually listen at least once a day.
@ifoundmeandyou I decided I needed to read rafaelgarcia’s post again and then I read your comment. Thank you, I’m really touched by your kind words and glad that our stories touched deeply into your heart and made you think about the way you see things. My story is 100% real but maybe someday things will change, I still have hope left.
Peace for us all. <3
It just affects me so deeply to know there are women who don’t even feel comfortable in a hug because a man has done horrible things. It really makes me sad. I wish I could fix it for you.
@ifoundmeandyou Thanks. I wish that I could fix it too, I really really do cause this isnt life! And fix rafaelgarcia’s life too. This is sad, especially cause there’s a lot of children and women living the same situation.
If I could help, I would. I’d take a walk with you. In nature, around all the trees and birds and animals. Fresh air, a stream flowing, fresh plants smell green and all natural. I can’t imagine what life feels like most of the time. I’m ashamed at the thoughts and feelings I’ve had. We all deserve better.
@ifoundmeandyou We all deserve better, for sure. It would be great, aha. I usually don’t take walks but would be nice to talk to someone from here, like face to face. But it’s kinda impossible, I live in Brazil (did you notice my crappy English?).
Hi all, I lost my internet for a while. My story is 100% real. I know that there are people who have it much worse than me, and it’s not that I’m not grateful for life, sometimes it’s just hard. @Tristeza I’m so sorry for all of the hurt, pain and scars – when people hurt children, it just seems much worse. I’m sitting here watching my niece and nephew and I just can’t imagine someone hurting them or taking away their innocence. That makes me so angry.
@ifoundmeandyou I appreciate your sentiment and all you’ve written. It has been hard. I’m trying so hard to go forwards, some days are better than others, and some days are just hard to even think straight. Whatever it is you’ve been through, I wouldn’t discount it on anyone else’s scale – each person has their own troubles that impact them in different ways.