Heads up, this is a rant. I need someone in the world to hear this even though it will never change my life. No, this is not the only reason I want my life to be over but of all the reasons, this is the only one I chose and I want someone to understand how stupid I feel and how lost I am.
I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to think that when I started my own life, I’d do things right. I’d find love and give love. I’d be strong and confident. I’d make everyone around me feel welcome and in turn feel welcome myself.
How the hell did I screw up so badly?
It’s easy to listen to my story and think, “god, just another lovesick chick, moaning over a relationship”, but it’s a lot deeper than that. I gave everything I had to him because he was the first one to look for more than just a fwb situation and the first to appreciate my body for what it was, not what it could be. Coming from a history of physical and sexual abuse, this meant everything to me. But he wanted more from me than I could give…he wanted an open relationship, wanted me to want it, wanted me to be as open sexually as he was and wanted to push me past my level of comfort. Despite years of on again, off again BS, where we talked, made promises to each other about how things would be different and tried over and over to do the right thing, it always went back around to him lying about what he was really doing because he didn’t think it counted or he “didn’t want to hurt” me. So we ended things.
And I was stuck living with him. Stuck watching him continue to do all the things that he did that hurt me before but with gusto now that he didn’t even have to pretend. Yet he still found the need to lie. Every day he swore to me that I was his best friend and that nothing was more important to him than our friendship. Over and over, he made promises that we would talk about things as they came up so that I could feel comfortable living there. He cried and told me how awful his life would be if I didn’t live with him. Stupid me, I figured since we weren’t dating, he wouldn’t have any reason to be lying to me. So I believed him. Over and over again. I was not this stupid. What the hell happened?
So here I am, crying everyday, having promise after promise broken because I am stupid enough to believe that he learned from his mistake and truly doesn’t want to hurt me. Then the last straw.
Because of my past with sexual abuse, I’ve had a complicated view of my own sexuality. At first, I thought his openness and knowledge of the wide world of everything out there would be good for me to learn and explore in a safe place. Well, insisting on me being naked in public, having sex in the hallways of our building, posting nudes on the internet was not a safe or compassionate way to teach me. But after we broke up, as “friends”, he wanted me to be able to talk to him openly and feel free to explore with him at my own pace. Then he cut me off because he “needed to grow and reflect” on his path and wouldn’t be sexual with ANYONE for at least a year. So he picks up some months later with his own activity right where he left off and doesn’t understand why I’m not as open to talking to him as I used to be. Time passes, more BS conversations and promises and I’m again stupid enough to believe that he wants the best for me. I believe this enough to ask him to help me open myself up to my own sexuality again, something that I had lost for a year. He tells me, with the most compassionate and tender words, that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea because it will complicate what we are building. And ON HIS OWN, tells me that it’s not because he doesn’t want me…that he’s never stopped wanting me and has no interest in starting a sexual relationship with anyone else right now. Oh, such comforting words to a broken hearted girl.
Only he goes right from holding me to his laptop to start an explicit sexual conversation with a girl he is essentially counselling. AND he posts on a stupid “secret” site the next morning that he wants to do “naughty things” with at least five people in his life but because of “circumstances” he can’t. And who are these people? Not me…silly me…thinking that the “circumstances” are that we can’t jeopardize our friendship. No. It’s his co-workers and boss and who the hell else knows. And the circumstances? They are in relationships. And I exist.
In one last ditch effort to get honesty from him…real honesty…I confront him with his lies. He looks me in the eyes and denies them. Then, realizing that I am ACTUALLY not that naive, he admits to the sexual chat but denies that he has any sexual interest in anybody he knows. Over and over, I rephrase my question, hoping he’ll realize he’s caught and finally be honest.
Did I mention I’m stupid?
He cries. He points out how he stood by me through all my extensive medical issues. How he is being a good friend as my mother fights cancer yet again. How he shares more about himself with me than anyone else and tells me that there is nothing that he says to other people that he hasn’t already shared with me. Except the truth, apparently. He points out that he lied because he thinks he’d hurt me and he doesn’t want to do that and that he feels shame at who he really is, not because he sees anything wrong with what he does, but because of me. And he wants us to move forward but he wants me to accept him and his sexual side. Ignoring that I wouldn’t have cared about his sexual side if he hadn’t felt the need to continuously lie about it.
And my world, on a tenuous string as it is, crashes. I think of the nothingness of death and feel peace for the first time in a long time. No more lies. No more pain – emotional or physical. No more watching the things I like about myself disappear. Just nothingness.
I was within a breath of following through when someone caught me and reminded me that they needed me. Reminded me that I was needed by a lot of people. Hey, obviously I’ve proven that I’m stupid, so that was enough to stop me from doing something just for me for the first time in a long time. So I go on…but each minute I breathe, I feel like I’m being tortured. I am in physical pain. Â I hate that living means seeing him everyday and knowing that I have let him make me a fool. I have given someone permission to break down any strength I have left. I hate myself for what I have become. I hate myself for the things I say and do. I hate myself for being such a god damned coward. I am starting to hate the people in my life who won’t let me go.
So, yes, I am a stupid, heartbroken chick, moaning about a relationship, but I am also a shell of a human who is being filled with hate minute by minute.
Thank you for spending the time to read this. End rant.
12 comments
You need to get away from him.
You don’t need to answer here, but ask yourself: what is it about this guy that you just can’t let go? Why don’t you think you can find those qualities you most value, in a more compatible package, with someone else?
Either you’re content with taking the bad with the good (which seems to have resulted in you hating yourself*), or you have to accept that the good isn’t worth the bad that’s attached to it, and move on.
I appreciate your comment.
I understand that from what I wrote it would seem the easy, and sensible, answer would be to leave. I can’t afford it. I am deep in debt because of living with him and am at least a year away from being able to find somewhere new.
Perhaps you are right, though, in saying that I can’t seem to let go. When I’m lying in bed, doubled over in pain and nausea from my medical issues, he’s close and he is able to do and get things that help, even a minute amount. I feel like I owe him because of this and so every time I want to cut ties, I’m overwhelmed with guilt for what I feel I owe.
Thank you for your honesty.
“How the hell did I screw up so badly?”
“Did I mention I’m stupid?”
“So, yes, I am a stupid, heartbroken chick,”
To be honest, I think you’re being hard on yourself… and I think you deserve more than you’re getting. You write that, every minute, you feel like you’re being tortured and you’re in physical pain. That isn’t the way life is supposed to be lived. Perhaps you need some guidance. Ultimately, if you don’t stand up for yourself, nobody will.
Your post shows that your far from stupid. You articulate well. Use your intellect and the other resources you have to begin going a new direction.
Thank you for your response.
My resources are tapped out. Financially, emotionally and mentally, I have exhausted all my options. I have sought counselling, moved in with friends for short times, changed my schedule so I don’t have to be around my home as much. I have fought for what I wanted but backed down because of what I feel I owe him. I will keep looking for an answer but it gets harder when I have nothing left to draw on for strength.
Gratitude.
An easy answer is not always easy to implement.
“What’s easy is not always right; what’s right is not always easy.”
“What’s popular is not always right; what’s right is not always popular.”
Leaving a toxic situation doesn’t have to mean that you don’t appreciate what this person meant, and has done for you.
Just as he seems to be doing, you have to do what’s right for you, even if that’s not what he wants. He’s doing what’s right for him, even if he has to lie about it to avoid hurting you. It’s unfortunate, but perhaps you two would be able to remain friends, from a distance, without the problems that seem to arise from remaining close.
I do understand how it feels to be “at least a year away” from being able to make a needed change. It’s oppressive, even debilitating. You might need to “put up some walls,” and try to desensitize yourself to things that occur regularly in your currently inescapable environment, at least until you can do something about it.
Try to be cognizant of your thoughts, and try to control what you are able to choose to think about, or not think about.
And like lorax said, you do articulate well, and don’t seem “stupid” to me. You just seem saturated with despair and frustration, agonizing about a person who is not what they portrayed themselves to be… and likely will never be that person you wish they were. The closer they are to what you really want, the harder it will be to let go, and “get over it.” You might never completely get over it, but you can strive to minimize it, by choosing your thoughts, and avoiding situations that cause further anguish.
Taking control of my thoughts is something I desire. Your insight is helpful.
It’s now 1:19 am. I was on here late last night too, in fact I’m on here a lot. I ask myself where it all went wrong too. I’ve never felt how you feel but I can understand how a person might feel let down when they’ve invested emotionally in a person. I can understand how you feel undermined especially given your history, undervalued even. So, it’s not stupid at all, it’s fairly reasonable to expect someone you care about to treat you properly. It seems like he’s not the one for you, there’s somebody out there who will appreciate you more.
If I’ve misread the situation I get things wrong sometimes. It’s also very late.
I don’t think you have misread the situation. Thank you for your support.
I sincerely hope that some goodness comes into your life. It seems so wrong that people who would genuinely show care and support for strangers should suffer their own pain.
With gratitude
Sounds as though he was just as much of a psychopath as my ex. *sigh* There’s no hope for these types, and they will continue to lie so they can get what they want, not caring if they hurt others in the process. I’m very sorry you’ve had to go through this. I know the pain now is unbearable, but I truly hope you can put him behind you and move on, if this is the best decision for you (and I think it may be). It is what I am trying to do as well. And every day, the pain lessens. Someday, I believe it will disappear entirely. Think of how undeserving he was of you, and not what you liked about him, and your despairing feelings will slowly fade.
I wish you luck in moving on. I am hopeful that the pain will pass.
I wish I could just take you in my arms and give you a huge hug. I, like you, was abused sexually. I know how tough that can be. Giving something or your heart to people who you think do so much for you is something, I have done many times as well. Only to find them not to be the same person as I thought them to be.
This guy doesn’t respect you or your feelings. He wanted an open relationship with you, but did not respect the ffact that that was not what you wanted? And he claims he was by you when you were having medical issues? Ok, that’s good. But people who truly care about you would not lie and tear you apart. I know a lot of your contradicting thoughts. I know the battles you have in your head. I may not be a girl, but I do understand.
If you ever want to talk to someone who will not judge, be there no matter what, and will try to be good to you, you can always email me.
brl.cents@gmail.com is my address
Thank you for your words.
It is very hard to see someone turn out to be completely different than they seemed. It makes you look at everyone in your life and wonder if they are what and who they say they are. I honestly don’t know if I am who I seem to be to the people in my life anymore.
Your kind words and offered support are greatly appreciated.