A few months ago I posted a story about my best friend who was close to the edge and how I desperately wanted to stop him doing the wrong thing because he just had so much to live for. Well a lot of time has passed and he is still alive, I actually managed to stop him – but in doing so I put all of myself into what I can only crudely refer to as a mission and I know now that I lost myself. I learnt to think like a suicidal person, seeing the triggers, the pain, the hurt, the desire to end the pain – mostly because it was the only way to stay on top of his activities. But I think about it now and as I did all of those things he became my trigger – I some how thought it was a good idea to get back in touch with Bella (Bulimia) and Anna (anorexia) and to start over exercising – see he IS my trigger. Then he asked me out and I thought it would make me better and I’m not going to lie for a while it did – we even made an agreement, if he stopped cutting and gave me ALL his sharp things, then I would eat and keep it down.
So yeah it got better, my school stopped tip toeing around me and I was well as close to happy as I had been in a while.
Then he said he felt suicidal and that he felt it best if we split – that night I cut for the first time. Its happened almost every day since and I don’t know why I do it – I kinda think of it in the same way as how I drink, I don’t like the taste of alcohol but I drink to the point of exhaustion, the point when I can no longer think because its a means of numbing the pain; its really the same thing with cutting.
I have stopped eating and started getting sick again. The cuts are getting deeper and starting to scar. I cry myself to sleep every night.
I said I was scared…?
Well all my life I have had a plan, an exact plan. When I was 3 I decided I wanted to be an Opera singer and from then I made the plan and started following it: Piano, Violin and Singing lessons, Ballet classes and acting school and of course the best grades in school. By 11 everyone was saying that I was good enough for Oxbridge – “tick” another goal for my plan. I tried my hardest but GCSEs didn’t go to plan and Oxbridge drifted away from my plan. Going into A levels I set my sights on Durham and Leeds. The plan was working out 🙂
A couple of days ago I received my results. Short story: No Durham and no Leeds.
For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan – I am utterly terrified that I wont get to where I want to be
But one thing I am certain of is that if I killed myself I wouldn’t have to worry anymore – it would solve all of my problems
I feel like the last few months of crap is getting too much – I feel its time they ended, for good…