My head hurts right now, but not as much as my… thing that pumps blood? Heart! Oh yeah, I almost forgot I had one. Mangled, shot, and stabbed, and still breathing till this day. Quite impressive resilience.
Maybe it’s because college is here again, or I’m slipping into insanity already, but I started missing my ex again. Relapsing, if you would. It’s been getting stronger and stronger the past few days, even though it’s been 2 years already. And I don’t know why. I’ve even resorted to jacking it to her public profile pics on the Book of Faces. Probably my lowest low of all the lows I’ve lowed down to. I don’t think listening to James Blunt’s stupid song helps either, not his fault though.
Right now, I’m feeling… lost. I’m on a teeter totter between living with a dead heart inside for probably a long time, or having the rest of my body join with it. Just feeling number and number to the point that it hurts me. Not hurts me so much as to cutting myself and what not, but it’s just eating me inside. And I truly believed the bullshit “There’s someone for everyone”. My belief was strong when I was with her, but when she left, it just shattered it like throwing a rock at a mirror. Louis CK mentioned about how millions of people or lightspeed ugly and no body even kisses them on the lips, even. They just wash their genitals and die. I’m afraid I’ll end up being the virgin that died. But it doesn’t look to bright for me, as I am a total wreck around people and my mouth just nails it self shut and eyes direct to the nearest floor or wall I can stare at.
I feel like I met the one, then fucked it all up and there won’t be anything like it in my life. Like dropping an ultra rare item in some other continent that was nuked.
At this point, I’m hoping I get lung cancer soon to end this shit quietly and painfully. At least I’ll have some real, valid reason to be in pain and not this bullshit ex girlfriend shit, cuz I’m getting sick of it and it’s fucking pathetic.
This is was just my thoughts, obviously can’t post on Facebook or Tumblr.
2 comments
Do you not think you will meet anyone else ever?
Perhaps you should try, I’d hate to see you waste your life over something pathetic. I mean really are you healthy? Have no major financial or family issues?
I was always a bit of a downer before all this, but not quite like this. I’m not on the verge of being homeless or have a shitty family, it’s just me.
You know, I always felt… different than everyone else. I don’t know, I didn’t really get or connect with anyone, not even my own parents. I guess just finally connecting with someone was… nice.
I don’t totally believe no one is out there for me, but I do believe it’s a real long shot for me to find someone else again. I don’t even know if I can take another heart break like this in the future.
Or maybe my brain is sick to shit. I’m not sure anymore.
Whatever it is, for now I’ll listen to Kingdom Hearts 2 music and have a good cry.