Fuck! Someone tell me what to god dam do? I cant seeen to fuckn readjust after being in two theaters of combat. Its like whatever I do back home is wrong, I try and try but always fuck up. I took a dark cloud or a curse with me. I cannot function here. No one can help. I need to run. i think I van do this if I run. Drop all my bills and mistakes and go. Live in the woods or canada or thailand. Just chop wood. I stare at my handgun. Â i cant do it and I cant run and no one can help. Someone….
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Keep that shit together soldier!!
Look.. If you want to run and do what you said.. That’s what I would do. If it brings you peace I’d say just do it. But if you have family to take care of..you need to be strong for them. You need to work a normal job and hold down your fears. Just breath and try to relax and look at your situation from afar..if you can. What would you tell yourself to do?
I’m weighing my options:
Run
Pros:
1. Fresh start
2. No bills
3. No mortgage
4. No college debit up thru my masters degree
5. Live stress free in the woods in a different country
Cons
1. My girlfriends girls of whom had a shitty start and I have repaired won’t have be but there are a million great guys out there to father them.
2. I will always be looked for by military so cannot return from hidding or to the US.
End it
Pros
1. Suffering is done
2. Suffering is done
3. Suffering is done
4. Suffering is done
Realtalk – they will ne fine I half half a mil in life insurance for them. That will het them thru their masters degrees and into success
Fuck, its so easy in the middle east. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I need to make a decision.
I need to do this. No running. No being a *****.
Just saying,
It’s lovely up here in Canada. Got myself a new axe. Got lots of trees. ummm The kids have built a tree fort…it’s not winterized yet…but?
No more ivory tower to offer you….but I have a tree fort or a shed. hahaha
Sorry the shit has hit the fan again.
Been thinking about you,
Amakua
Isn’t your life insurance void if you kill yourself?
No, not if I die of medical reasons…PTSD is a medical reason.
Amakua, I don’t want the military to know I crossed a border. Do they record anything in.
Well I hope you’re right if you choose to do that. But I hope that you will fight to stay alive. There is no reason for a soldier to die by his own hands.. Soldiers are suppose to be strong and deal with the pain. Life is pain, fear and confusion. Where is your composure in the face of certain doubt?
Amakua, both sound perfect.
I have no problem facing gun fire. I just have a hard time facing society.
Hey Lon,
Are we maybe doing a wee bit of drinking? hahaha Two comments…not one complete thought. Let’s see if I can read between the words !!! haha
Yes…they may be listening in on our convo…so we will have to speak in code. ahaha
I’m assuming that you are fine with either the shed or the treehouse? I’ll start cleaning them up a bit.
All kidding aside…sorry you are poopy. Just heading out to take my grandmother shopping…on a Sunday of all friggin’ things. But you can’t argue with a 97 year old…they just don’t listen. haha Sooo…hopefully when I get home we will get a chance to talk..(in code). Just know that the offer is still there. Hope we get a chance to talk later…I have thought about you frequently over the last year and a half.
Lots of Love as Always
Ama
Teens have a hard time facing society!
Autistic people have a hard time facing society!
I can’t say that I have had full on PTSD like you but I’ve been in some very real life threatening situations that have left me with twitches and fears and social disorders that I thought would never go away. But I have to cope.. I’ve prepared myself for running away into the woods too but I fight everyday to keep from thinking that way.
And I’m not even a soldier.
Wether on tour or at home, we fight battles in our heads everyday. Running away won’t make things better..and dying makes it even more impossible to get better.
I need to do something.
That’s why it’s easier in the military because you always have some one telling you what to do. On your own all you need to know is what you have to do. No one is going to tell you to kill yourself.
Taking on the responsibility of normal life is the hard choice and of course that means its the right choice. It’s hard because we don’t have anyone making the choices for us, not all the solutions come so naturally like the survival instinct. But what else can I say..we have to face those hard choices in life.
You have a lot to live for.
Sounds like u don’t know much about the military. Which goes back to the reason I’m here, I’m miss understood here. When in the military, you are in situations where you are required to make, the HARDEST decisions, that may result in loss of life and limb of your subordinate teammates. Sometimes these decisions must be made in a split second, in a less than comfortable environment and your decision making process is based on what you’ve learned in training, experience and mission accomplishment. Regardless of your rank these decisions are made every day in combat. As a civilian you make desions like that? If so I don’t want your job.
So your trying to run away from the military?
Hey Colonel,
I made it back from my mission…well kinda. hehe I just got back from taking Nan shopping. Seriously…at 97, I am the only one left that can keep up with her…and I’m just faking it. So I come home and twist me up a lefty and head down to the creek. I normally use my drug of choice as it is prescribed…so I will have a couple of tokes…and put it out. Maybe an hour or two later…I will have me some more.
Well I was having a wee puff…and started thinking about you and the walnut tree I am planning to take down next week. Long story short….I smoked the whole fucking thing…thought it was a cigarette….hahahaha So you can safely assume that I am wrecked out of my tree at this particular moment in time. Wow. If this isn’t an altered state of consciousness…I don’t know what is? I’ll have to come back and read this over in about….ooohhh an hour or so. hahaha
So I apologize up front for my spelling, my grammar…and pretty much everything…but here goes nothing.
Have you been formally diagnosed with PTSD? Remember who first suggested such a ludicrous thing? haha I just finally got my formal diagnosis myself. Neat eh? And remember…I am now a “really” old woman. The diagnoses are numerous, of course, I never do anything simply. But they are all pretty much linked to the primary diagnoses…which is….surprise, surprise….
Ms. insert patient name…haha suffers the consequences of severe childhood and adulthood physical, emotional and sexual abuse over a prolonged period. His words…not mine…the psych I mean. Primary diagnosis…complex PTSD w multiple traumas. So since we kinda have the same or similiar diagnoses…ummm…I was wondering if I could ask you if you are having some of the same issues I have recently been dealing with…THE RAGE !!!!! And how I was choosing to control it by turning it inward…and yeah I almost bought the farm again a couple of months ago. But I didn’t kill anyone…and I didn’t end up physically harming myself this time either. Only because I had help from my junkie neighbour and a good therapist. hahaha Can you relate to this sort of thing at all? I vaguely recall something about a bar fight…or a fight in a line up or something? Remember? Isn’t that how you got here in the first place? Anyway…how did all that turn out? I know…not really any of my friggin’ business…but I’m working on boundaries currently…and I am a sloooow learner.
Do you have similiar issues with rage? Do you also turn them inward? Is it okay to talk about this sort of thing? I dunno
Stoopid Old Woman
ps. I’m seriously taking down that Black Walnut tree next week…and chopping it up for firewood for next year. Can I do it myself? Hell yes !!! Do I want to? Not so much! 😀