I have to drive with both hands and both knees on the wheel to control the impulse of slamming into telephone poles. Windows terrify me because I know what they’re for. I swear to heaven and hell if I ever see a gun within arms reach, it’ll be in my mouth and discharged before anyone (including myself) knew what hit them.
There is nothing for me in this world. I never belonged, and it was only one thing, a loved one, that kept me alive for 10 years of my adult life. She died painfully. With her gone I see the world the way it truly is.
That’s all I can say about my reason for killing myself.
I planned a whole bunch of methods, efficient, foolproof, tried and true methods that others have succeeded with. But I know that it will end on an impulse… violently, sloppily and painfully. And why not? Those 3 words are what this world is about.
4 comments
I can see the urge to hit the reset button….. But think – will next time be any different if you quit now?
If only typical people could understand and appreciate this type of restraint… and that it is not indefinitely sustainable.
I think about it when I wake up too. All day, looking at everything through a suicidal kaleidascope. It’s harder at night, when you just keep thinking about it, and all the days ahead. At night, I get very strong urges. I know how you feel, I think.
what stops you? i dont know what stops me? i think the same each day. right now, im sitting in yet another hotel room – hoping i fall asleep but dont wake up.