Ive struggled with depression and anxiety for four years now. I know of people who have had to fight their battle for way longer than that. My friends and the people on the internet say that recovery is possible. They say hold on to hope, look at the brighter side of life, think about your future. What happens when i do all that and more, but still want to die? Even at my happiest, i have that gnawing feeling of hatred for life in the back of my head. I know suicide shouldnt be an option. I know i have a lot to live for. I have good friends, a mother who loves me, and siblings who look up to their big sister. Im told im everything my mother dreamed of having as her oldest daughter. But, did she dream of me up at night, caressing my skin with a sharp blade and contemplating how deep i should go? Do my siblings look up to me as a role model and hope to be just like me? Someone who struggles to take each breath? My life isnt a walk in the park, no ones life is. Ive had one hell of a run when it comes down to it. I learned at an early age that life isnt easy. Life isnt fair. Life isnt what people make it up to be. I never asked for life. I dont want it.
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2 comments
Shakinghands,
Well. It’s one life. Maybe you didn’t ask for it. None of us do. None of us are really beggin for problems we face day after day after day but hey you got to see those problems and turn them into challenges.
I am in the same situation. Often I am thinking how little move could all end it. I could jump. I could just drive too fast. But there comes a time and you really need to figure it out. What do you want? Do you want to die? Do you want to live? You can’t live forever in the state of maybe and if and
Maybe if
What if
If not ….
I do think recovery is possible.And I think yiu are a role model in whatever case. You know. We all have our flaws. We just have to ignore them and keep going on
I’ve had depression and anxiety for quite some time myself, and often I’ve wished that I didn’t exist. But I do. And if I died, I’d be leaving a human-spaced hole in the world. Maybe only my family would miss me, but I could never simply disappear into oblivion. And that is how it is with people. Any death is considered a loss, and there is always SOMEONE that will be effected by it. If you died, your family and friends would be filled with pain – was it my fault? They’ll think. Did I drive her to this?
It is indeed difficult to look upon the bright side of life, to have hope for a worthwhile future. But think about it – if you are healthy and young and not already at death’s door, then there are many possibilities which await you. You may not have a reason for living now, but perhaps soon, you will find one. One can’t ever “not exist,” but one CAN enjoy the existence one has. If you start by appreciating the small things in your life, it will be easier to feel optimistic about the ‘big picture’ in general.