Unable to be intimate with anyone

Hi, I just wanted to say that ever since my soul mates suicide I have found life meaningless and refuse to get close to anyone else. I spend as much time alone as possible and wish I never woke up everyday. I’m usually ok once I get going but the mornings are torture. I truly feel that all I do is work hard and then go out partying and get wasted to kill the pain. Its hard to accept when you know you long for death but just on’t quite have the conviction to do it yet. I don’t want to put my family through what I live with everyday but I really feel like I’m over this shit and ready to make my peace.