What’s the point?

I have posted here before, a while ago already.

Anyways, now I’m still in this mess, alone every single day, doing nothing. No one who cares about this, because “autism is the problem”. I will be starting therapy to deal with my autism in 2 weeks, so I guess that is a good thing.

Although i dont believe this is the “problem” I just let it run it’s course, I mean, all those psychiatrists are trained for it right? They sure must know it better than me?

Now I have been sitting home every single day, alone, for the past year, doing nothing at all. I rarely talk to anyone, and although I wish for social contacts, people to love, such social contact(and pretty much every social contact) has become an annoyance to me.

Why cant I just have someone to talk to? Why cant I have someone to feel safe with? Why am i always the one from the outside looking in? I have never been treated like an actual human being, just that one weird guy that has his “friends” and is that one outsider in the group. Why can’t I be loved? Why don’t I deserve the happiness that the other people have?

Rarely have I found people I could connect with, really talk to. And they have all betrayed me, used me and now leave me to rot. Especially the last one, why couldnt she just treat me normally? Why does she leave me like this? It has been 2 years, 6 months and 21 days since everything with her screwed up. Since then everything had been going to hell big time, and even before that things were bad.

She turns up in my nightmares, in my constant thoughts, and I constantly see her. She recently got a new boyfriend, and every image I see, I barely can breathe. In all those time, it has never been as bad like this. I thought time was supposed to heal wounds, not open them even further? Why can she be happy and enjoy life and I cant? What makes it that she deserves happiness and I dont?

What is the point of living life when you’ll most likely end up alone? Is there a reason to fight for something that most likely will not succeed? I dont see the point in living life, and that has been the case for a long time. I guess I am too much of a coward to take away my own suffering.