it amazes me how my physical and mental health has changed so quickly. i am now taking ativan. feeling sleepy and spacey. luckily for me these past few days weren’t work days. tomorrow on the other hand i need to be cognizant. i am nervous about going back to work. left monday with the chest pains, high bp etc. as usual with me nothing was found in the blood work. have an appt with the primary doc on monday. saw the shrink tuesday. he commented on how tense i seemed to be. and went on to say that he feels like he needs to walk on eggshells around me. i don’t want that of course. there is a lot more to that story that doesn’t need to be expressed here. i am afraid of what my therapist put in her notes. it was a hellish session with plenty of tears. the doc reads her notes and surprisingly reads these postings. what is it that i am afraid of? being vulnerable, being hurt, being embarrassed, most of all showing the real me. instead i see myself loosening the ties that keep me here. convince myself that “they” don’t matter. what matters is this deep seated desire to not be here anymore. what a fucked up loser i have become.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
1 comment
Maybe if you explore how other people in your situation get along in life, then you can start to see things from out side your own perspective. When a person makes an impact on my emotions or my thoughts, I try to make a habit of looking at things from where they are coming from..I mean literally where they were born,when, how they were raised. What do they do to cope with life? Or even people who commit suicide, how they got to that point. I find that it is helpful to learn about others in relation to myself. It’s hard to fix one’s self when one is always thinking of their own thoughts and emotions.