Right now, I’m 20 hours away from the rest of my family and my friends. I’m taking online classes and getting new medication since I can’t get medication where I live.
It’s not very fun. I have therapy sessions every other day, doctor’s appointments, and I have my depression, paranoia, bipolarity, ptsd and ocd to deal with.
Guess what though? This is a vacation for me. When I go back to my school in November, the vacation’s over. When I go back, I have to plaster that smile back on my face. I’ll have to talk to my friends, pretend everything’s alright. It’s really exhausting to have to push everything deep down inside me and become a different person when I’m at school. I don’t like calling attention to myself , so when I’m around other people I put on the face everyone else wants to see. When I go home though, I look in the mirror and see the ugly truth behind all of the lies.
I’m not perfect, I’m a liar.
3 comments
I wish I could take online classes instead of go to school. Whenever I see my friends, I always regret it because I cannot be honest with them. If they truly knew me, they would probably just leave me, and I need them for protection.
fake it til you make it, luv.. that’s all you can do if you can’t control your depression. I know i can’t and no one can tell. Not unless i let them see. And i don’t. Because i dont want them to be hurting like me.. with me. id rather try and keep them as happy as possible and that’s why sometimes the “lieing” and “pretending” is good… i laugh the loudest.. smile the brightest.. and give the best advice to people who think they are going through more than everyone else and i just smile and tell them itll be ok while im dying inside just to keep them happy no matter my expense. so keep your head up. keep pretending. maybe one day youll feel it too.
I’ve basically whittled down my social repertoire because feeling pressured to lie just to get along tends to crank my anxiety into the stratosphere. It’s okay if I have anxiety meds, but without those, I’d rather not worry about it. The world is a collaborative lie. There are horrors going on around everyone, every day, and the collaborative lie exists as a blinder to them. I just don’t have patience for it. I actually feel better when I’m in the thick of it, seeing and being in the middle of it, trying to make things better in whatever way I can, but that’s not amenable to how other people want to live.